Need some life advice/ support
I am about to spill some of the most emotional circumstances and secrets of my life. Please be constructive and kind in your comments.... I am doing this because I feel like I have no one to talk to about it (or the people I can talk to cannot possibly relate of have any advice for me). Be prepared: this story is going to take a while, but I would really appreciate it if you would take the time to read it and help me. This is too long for the rant thread, which is why I am posting it here.
This story starts with divorce. About two or three years ago, my mother woke me up at about 6 am to take me on a drive and tell me that she and my father were separating, and that she, I, and my brother were moving to the nearest town with her girlfriend and her two kids. My father would be moving to the second closest town. She also said that she would be taking my brother and I to meet our new step-parent that very same night.
Obviously, I was a wreck even though I thought it would be best for them to separate. They never got along and often had borderline physical altercations at times. I did my very best to remain positive about the situation, and had a really good attitude about moving and gaining new family. I was raised Mormon (I have not been religious for a long time, just to clarify, but I was raised in this church), so at the time, the fact that my mother would be having a relationship with a woman was a very new, but not revolting idea to me. With some effort, I was able to accept it graciously and adapt to the new setting.
I did everything I could to bond with my new family, which was very difficult at times because the children were very young and needy and I was not accustomed to entertaining kids for most of the day. I did grow very attached to them, however, and found a new sense of family and household that I had always yearned for when I lived with my mom and dad. I thrived. I had excellent grades in college (I always had, but I was able to apply myself even more). I had a great job and was hoarding money in my savings like there was no tomorrow. I was beginning to heal from my mother and father's separation.
This new life all came crashing down when there began to be a lot of fighting and tension in the house for inexplicable reasons. There were drunken fights and outbursts, arguments on how the how was being kept, and all of us kids were stuck in the middle of it. Finally, there was one final very violent blowout where the cops were called and all of my step-mother's possessions were ejected from the house immediately. I cannot bring myself to say the words that I know were exchanged between my mother and step-mother, but they were absolutely disgusting and mind-blowing.
Most of the furniture we decided to keep when we moved in was my step mothers, so when she left, my house was virtually empty for at least a month. My mother did nothing. She cried constantly and had extreme emotional breakdowns. My father was of course in another city living his life, and my brother had already left for his training in the marines. I was the only one there to deal with it and try to draw her from the brink of suicide, and for a while it was easy for me to step up and take control to the house and take care of her.
It has been more than a year since this happened, and things have only gotten worse. I have continued to constantly witness endless psychotic breakdowns and unhealthy cycles. I am the object of blame for not disowning my step family, even my step siblings, for my mothers state of being since we have unearthed unquestionable evidence of my stepmother's infidelity and inexcusable acts. I cannot bring myself to cut off my relationship with the children at the very least, and for that I have suffered immense accusations and guilt trips.
After a year of trying to heal my mother and failing, I am out of energy. I should add that during all of this, I have had very damaging relationship experiences. Right after my mother and father split, my boyfriend of three years left me for someone he had known for a week. I was nothing short of a perfect girlfriend to him, and it is only now that I realize how extremely abusive he was to me.
After he came crawling back and I refused to get back with him, I started a new damaging relationship with someone I been off and on with before him. I really loved him, and basically let him use me whenever he was off with his girlfriend. It is a really hard situation to explain without making him seem like a really huge jerk or me seem like a complete idiot, but just know there is really more to it than I can explain in a paragraph. Long story short, after doing everything I could to get him to love me, I left the situation when I realized it was going nowhere and really damaging me.
That's when I met Daniel. We have an excellent relationship, and he is really everything I could ever ask for. I see myself spending the rest of my life with him. We have never had an unhealthy fight. Serious talks, but not unhealthy. Because he moved to this city unprepared and made some initial mistakes, he ended up having to move in with my mother and I. This has actually benefited me in many ways. I have realize that healthy relationships are in fact possible, and he has acted as a buffer between me and my mother's extreme behavior.
Addiction is also a factor in this story. Because of my home situation, I had to put myself on antidepressants just to get through every day. When I finally decided I had had enough of them, I tried to get off and had bad withdrawals. I feel absolutely powerless and ashamed that I could not just cope on my own. I am off them now and have no desire to get back on them, but my lingering depression and intense anxiety are a lot to handle by myself. Unfortunately, my friend live far away and I cannot afford counseling, so I have felt very along for a very long time.
We have already been living together for 6 months, and are moving into our own place in the next 30 days. This is the first time I will be out of my parents household. Even though I love him and trust him more than I can express, I am realizing how big of a commitment this really is because of everything that has happened to me. I am downright terrified. This is not an action I take lightly; I am not entering this with the mindset that one of us can just move out and move on. I am determined to make the new place home. The place that I have not had for the better part of a year. Therefore, this is basically as big of a commitment as marriage for me.
I really feel like I am doing the right thing, but this does not stop me from feeling panicked every day. I am trying to get myself out of this very bad situation and start an positive life full of cooking, gardening, and fish keeping. I am feeling really sad about leaving behind a home where I was very happy for a time and also feel torn about leaving my mother. I was up all night worrying about what could possibly go wrong. This is only a fraction of the story, to preserve a positive reputation of my mother, this is basically all I can say. She has had a very hard life, and has not meant to make me feel this way, but I feel that the only way I can move on and thrive is to move out.
I just really need some words of encouragement and advice right now. Feel free to babble. Anything is appreciated :)