Dealing with death and dying - Betta Fish and Betta Fish Care
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post #1 of 14 (permalink) Old 09-20-2013, 09:16 PM Thread Starter
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Dealing with death and dying

Hi I just lost a close friend/Coworker not too long ago and I'm really hurting about it. I am trying to be brave, but this is so scary for me. I've lost a lot of people and pets that I loved and should be able to handle it better. I just wanna talk and be helped with this sorrow.
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post #2 of 14 (permalink) Old 09-20-2013, 11:29 PM
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I don't have any kind of experience with grief management but I'm willing to listen. PM me if you're feeling down and I'll listen
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post #3 of 14 (permalink) Old 09-20-2013, 11:32 PM
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Hey sassyfriend i am sorry, don't even know what to say...but things really happens in the life. We have at work 33 years old girl died from the simple sinuses procedure and left to her husband 3 little children. I guess we have to pray for them and think that they not suffering any more and their soul somewhere in a good place where some day we will be together. Its difficult but time will heal and we need to continue to live our lives :(
And i am sure your friend want you to be happy and don't want you to be sad.
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post #4 of 14 (permalink) Old 09-21-2013, 01:22 AM
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First off, don't try to be TOO brave. :) You hurt for a reason, and it's okay to do so. These people and animals were/ARE important to you, and it is necessary to mourn for their loss.

There are stages to loss, and you'll go through all of them. It's completely normal. Not easy, and maybe not always pleasant, but completely normal. :(

Talking about the person sometimes helps, remembering all the reasons why you cared about them and reliving the positive times you had can bring a surprising measure of comfort to many people. It's usually a little painful as well, but overall the experience of going through those happy times makes you feel better.

I don't know what your religious/afterlife beliefs are, but if you do believe in an afterlife or something of that nature, this can be a real comfort. Goodbye is not forever. You will see them again. It's easier to deal with a loss when put in terms of it being for a period of time. For my part, I believe in the traditional Christian viewpoint of Heaven and an afterlife, but also on a scientific level, "energy cannot be created or destroyed" and I believe that when that energy leaves a person, it continues on one way or another. I have my personal construct, but I believe there is science to back the general idea up as well.

There are many online support groups as well that deal specifically with grief. Knowing that there are others out there who are going through what you are, and can immediately identify can really help. Google is a great place to start.

It DOES get better. At first it seems like the giant, aching hurt is so big, and so powerful that NOTHING will ever assuage it. But life doesn't work that way. Over time, the hurt starts to fade and the better things take it's place. You never forget them, but instead of every memory being sharp and piercing, they get softer and bring comfort rather than pain. Hanging onto that knowledge helps. Rain doesn't last forever.

Always remember that there is someone out there who cares about you. You may not even know them, but there are people who care. Friends, family, coworkers, religious officials, support groups, message boards like this one, there is SOMEONE out there who cares about you. :) There is always someone willing to listen. :)

Prayer and meditation helps. Just being calm and quiet helps. I had a death in the family that was sudden and that came at a very, very difficult time...and at one point I went to the cemetery and just yelled at God for a while. :) I was like a little kid throwing a tantrum in the grocery store...but God was big enough to know that I was hurting and needed someone to vent to. He understands. :) And I felt better afterwards. I had said what I needed to say, things that I couldn't say to people...but I could yell at the clear blue sky. I also visited him for years afterwards. When a cemetery holds the earthly leftovers of someone you love, they become beautiful places. They are so quiet, and inclusive. I'd go and talk to him, telling him about what was going on, sometimes about how I missed him, but mostly about how I was doing and what was going on...trivial things like grocery shopping and University and what my animals had been up to. He couldn't answer me anymore, but it was nice to know that I could still talk to him.

I believe that things happen for a reason. I don't believe that God necessarily makes things happen...but He always finds something positive to come out of them. At some point, this experience will either enrich your own life, or it will help you to help someone else. Tragedies may be senseless, but they can acquire meaning and purpose. As cliché as it seems, there really is always a silver lining. Sometimes it just takes longer to find it in the storm.

I hope that some of this helps. And feel free to PM or email me at: if you need someone to care. :) Sometimes it's much easier to talk to strangers, and much easier to write things down than it is to say them out loud, face to face, and with people you know in person. :)

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post #5 of 14 (permalink) Old 09-21-2013, 01:37 AM
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I think talking about your loss helps. It's not good to hold things in and it's good to have someone to talk to who will just listen to you and not necessarily tell you what you should do. I'm sorry for your loss.
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post #6 of 14 (permalink) Old 09-21-2013, 02:29 PM
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What if you write a letter to your friend/coworker's family? You could describe why you were friends, and what that friendship meant to you. You could tell them about things you did together that were special or important to you. I would think that this might help your friend's family too.
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post #7 of 14 (permalink) Old 09-21-2013, 04:22 PM
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I can only give you a little advice the rest is up to you.

You've got to let it out, grieve and do not hold it in. And let them go, remember them for the good times and just them go and accept that death is a part of life.

Beyond this only religion can tell you and that between you and god.
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post #8 of 14 (permalink) Old 09-21-2013, 08:44 PM Thread Starter
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How do you let it go? And is it normal to think you see them after they die?
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post #9 of 14 (permalink) Old 09-21-2013, 09:06 PM
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YES, seeing the person is VERY normal. It's called searching behavior. If you've never heard of it before, you can think you're going crazy. I thought I was losing my mind until I researched it and felt better knowing I wasn't. :)

Everyone is different, but I think that letting go is different for everybody. The first step is acknowledging that you miss them and then being okay with that. Just accepting what you feel, when you feel it, and not blaming yourself or feeling negative *about* how you feel.

Talking about the person helps many people.

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post #10 of 14 (permalink) Old 09-30-2013, 03:58 PM
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Originally Posted by sassyfriend View Post
How do you let it go? And is it normal to think you see them after they die?

That's completely normal. You're seeing them because you want to see them. There's nothing that says you have to let it go. Grieve as much as you have to, cry when you need to and eventually, it will be less painful.

I lost one of my best friends a while back to breast cancer. It was horrible but now when I dream of her, I feel blessed that we got to hang out for a while again.

It will get better - it just takes time.

Animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Last edited by Romad; 09-30-2013 at 07:18 PM.
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