*sigh* I have an audition tomorrow. Actually, it's a re-audition. They had the first round of auditions about a month ago and are having "re-auditions", probably because they just realized that they didn't take enough people to put on a decent show. First off, they said "no" to me the first time around, so I'm already ridiculously stressed and nervous. I'm better prepared this time around and I've picked a different song, so logically I know it'll be a completely different situation, but I'm still just stressed.
I'm also really afraid of my parents finding out about it. Because I know if they find out I'm auditioning they're going to make some stupid comment and make things worse. But, I have to find some way to explain the fact that I plan to go back to school tomorrow afternoon instead of Monday morning, which is what I usually do. But I just don't want to tell them about it! Because if nothing else, I'll get the, "Alright, but don't go getting all upset if you don't get in!" lecture. And that lecture makes me really angry.
I'll get as upset as I like if I don't get in, thank you very much! They wouldn't know, because they've never been involved in much music, but unsuccessful auditions hurt! So if it doesn't go well, YES I'm going to cry about it! And I don't want any lectures about how I should or should not feel about it.
And SO MUCH drama came after the first time they said "no". I got really upset, so I called home crying looking for support. In that moment, my parents were fine and told me it was okay. The rest of the week was pretty bad, too, so that weekend I went home feeling kind of down. What do I go home to? My parents force me into a "discussion" in which they lecture me about how I'm clearly just not good enough to succeed as a music major and why I'll never be able to become good enough no matter how hard I work. Long story short, it ended in a big fight, I didn't speak to them for several days and I felt a little sick to my stomach at the thought of going home for the next weekend.
So now I know that if something goes wrong I can't talk to them about it, and if they find out I'm auditioning again they'll pester me about how it went, with the intention of using any sign of distress against me in future attempts to make me change my major.
Also, frankly, my self-esteem isn't so great. I haven't gotten anything from an audition in a while and with me rejection is always an absolutely crushing disappointment. I've been having increasingly more trouble picking myself up and moving on after unsuccessful auditions, and without having anyone I can go to for support after this one, if it doesn't go well I don't know how well I'll be able to recover. Logically, I know it's an audition for a club's show, and this club is NOTORIOUS for letting people in based on who's the most friendly with the executive board. But somehow that doesn't make rejection any easier...
So, I'm just really stressed and nervous. I KNOW I can perform this song well because it's a piece that really speaks to me and that I find meaningful, but it's not making the nerves go away...
And this shouldn't even be an issue, but I'm also worried about what to do with my parents if I get in. I really don't know if I want them to come see me perform. But if I don't tell them about it and they find out about it, I'll be in HUGE trouble. It shouldn't be an issue, because it's my life, but with them it'll turn into this ridiculous drama. But I don't trust them to not eventually make me feel awful about the performance, even if I end up being happy with it. And the song I'm hoping I'll be able to perform isn't one I'm sure I'm comfortable sharing with them. The reason I love the song so much is because the first two pages is basically a description of the way my family generally makes me feel, but whenever I try to let my parents know that I feel that way they brush it off and tell me that it's not valid.
So, I really want to do this, but the auditions just one big mess! It's stressing me out because I'm nervous. It's also stressing me out because I REALLY don't want my parents to find out about it. I'm stressed because I don't know how well I'll be able to handle the results if it goes badly. And I'm also stressed because if I manage to get in I just don't know if I'm comfortable sharing this performance with my family.
But I just want to be able to perform this piece so badly, because I just love it so much! And if I do get in, all the stress will be COMPLETELY worth it!
I'm just massively frustrated now... Especially because so much of the stress is coming from trying to figure out what to do about my parents... Auditions are difficult enough without all of the family drama piled on top of them.
/end really long rant