Sounds to me like this is a sad play that is perpetually on the last act. I'll bet she's been able to manipulate your husband with the guilt and crying jags. Add alcohol to the mix and it just intensifys.
She needs to be the one to call the other nutjobs and tell them that there was a misunderstanding and there will be no party for them. You two shouldn't have to fix her mistakes - I don't care how much she whines or drinks.
The only way it will stop is if they take responsibility for their own actions. And with a family like that, you might have to rethink your holidays, birthdays etc... so that you don't have to deal with the stress and craziness.
Take him away for his birthday instead and meet up with friends somewhere else. Good luck in the meantime.
LOL normally you'd be right, but hubby doesn't give into her crying jags. He usually tells her to get it together and to stop acting like a screwed up drunk! Her attempts at manipulation came to an abrupt end not long after we started dating, when he got a good look at how *I* handle these types of people! He was pretty impressed, because in my culture, behaving like that is totally horrifying and generally gets you ignored ... or a smack upside the head! Granted, I never smacked her (yet), but I did respond in such a way that made her feel like a child throwing a temper tantrum. Ever since that day, dear hubby has essentially asked me to "teach him" how to handle these kinds of situations. Good times :)
As for cleaning up their mess, I learned that lesson a long time ago. If I don't do it, she absolutely won't. Having them "take responsibility" is a nice theory, but in practice, it's a joke! This is a family that thinks a DUI is a right of passage, and that having sex with a family member is alright so long as you're both drunk! Responsibility isn't exactly the family motto, to say the least! Needless to say, it was a REALLY windy day when the apple fell from the tree, as far as my husband goes.
So if I leave her to "take responsivbility" I'll end up with 25 drunk racist idiots at the party, treating me like a servant and trying to get my husband back together with his ex. I figure since they hate me anyway, what more possible harm could come of it if I just call them up and say, "Yeah, about that invite you got awhile back? Don't come."
As for taking him away, well, I already have a good number of RSVPs. Kind of late to change the venue and re-book everything. Besides, I put a lot of time, energy and cash into this thing. If the worst that happens is one of those biggots gets knocked in the head by someone from *my* family, well then, I suppose I can live with that