Holidays are the hardest for me lately. I keep remembering everything I did with my dad, and I keep wanting to cry, but I can't. I really miss him. Sometimes I think of him directly and it's like being punched in the gut. Most of the time I avoid thinking about him at all, and somehow that makes it worse. The other day I told my friend something about what my dad used to say and she said, "I wish I could've met your dad" while laughing... for some reason I got really mad. I don't know. I guess enough time hasn't passed yet. I know she didn't mean it in any bad way at all, but all I could think was, "Yeah, I wish you could've too."
I miss him so much sometimes. And now my parents just call his house "The Carter Lake house"... I don't know if they say that to make it easier for me, but it feels like they're trying to forget him, and that makes me mad, too. I want them to call it, "Your Dad's house", or "Dennis' house". Anything but the distant "Carter Lake House". A lot of the time I feel like just me and my brother remember, and I can't really talk to him about it since he lives so far away, and it's just awkward to talk about this stuff over the phone. I can't really talk to anyone about it, since I'm a really closed up person. I really wish I had SOMEONE to talk to. Sometimes I think having a therapist might be nice, to just rant to someone who can't judge you.
I really think this Christmas is going to be extremely hard. I remember setting up the tree (he only ever had white tinsel, white lights, and beautiful red bulbs. It wasn't the decorated tree ever, but it was always beautiful. And I think ... I think there was a train that used to go around the bottom, but I can't really remember.)
That's also really hard. I'm forgetting about him. I can't remember what he laughed like anymore. I can only remember his voice when I think about things he always said, like, "Hey kiddo!", or "Hey brat!" Not even my name. I can't remember how he used to say my name.
One thing'll always stick with me, though, is at his funeral my Grandpa told me something I wish he hadn't. I won't say it because honestly, it's not something anyone really wants to think about.
Oh, and his friend told me something, too, that I'll never forget. Told me about how the week before he'd been excited to see a movie with me. Couldn't stop talking about it, she said. It was Spring Break week and I was supposed to go see a kids movie with him, since I only ever saw them and spoof movies with him. I think she meant to comfort me, but it only made it harder.
Eh. Sorry. That was depressing. But I felt like I needed to get it off my chest. I can't tell any of my real-life friends, and I know you guys will understand. I could keep going on and on with this, but I'll let it die.