@Fenghuang, you're also welcome to PM me too, if you need another person to talk to.
Having been diagnosed with clinical depression at age 13 and battling it since then, I might have some pointers, though you may find them irrelevant to your circumstances. Still, the offer's there. Depression isn't always permanent, and it does make you stronger! It's unfortunate that you don't have access to therapy, it can really help if you find the right therapist for you, but at least we can lend an ear. You are not
Rant: I came out as gender-fluid in the middle of last year, and many of my nearest and dearest still either ignore it, or laugh at it. I think it's because I'd hidden it for so long. It doesn't particularly bother me when I'm referred to as female on a "male day" but it does bother me when I'm excluded from gender-specific events without being asked what I'm identifying as lately. I do understand it's a very confusing concept to grasp (it's a very confusing thing to be!) but a little effort would go a long, long way. Transgendered friends of mine who are pre-op are referred to by the way they identify, I don't understand why a gender-fluid person doesn't deserve the same courtesy, especially in the community I'm a part of, a community that labels itself as very open-minded and accepting of all orientations and identities.
They don't seem to get that I have always been this way, for as long as I can remember, but never had the courage to tell anyone for fear of being ridiculed or ignored. And of course, that's exactly what's happened when I had finally had enough and just wanted to be me
around the people I love.
It's really been getting me down sometimes, especially when I feel like I'm trapped in the wrong body, or if I'm finding the whole thing particularly confusing. I know I am not trans, as I have very feminine days, very masculine days, and neutral days where I feel like something in-between. Binary gender norms don't fit, and I often feel like I'm a circular peg, but I only have the option of trying to force myself into a triangular hole, or a square one, and there isn't one to fit my shape. Does that make any sense?
Anti-rant, related to rant: It was absolutely heartwarming the other day when my partner and I went to get some new piercings. The people who run the piercing shop who are new friends of ours, and are older members of the community we're a part of, actually pulled me aside and asked me what I was identifying as that day, if there were any visual indicators they can follow on any particular day, what I prefer to be referred to as, and if it bothers me if they refer to me as only female if I'm getting a body part pierced that is distinctly female, regardless of what I'm identifying as on the day. I haven't known those people very long, but it was so touching that they actually bothered to ask me those things. No one, except my partner, has ever cared enough to ask me those questions, and when they did, it definitely gave me the warm and fuzzies.
EDIT: I'm a bit scared that sharing this with you guys will change the opinion of anyone who's actually formed an opinion of me for the negative. I thought about editing/deleting the whole thing, but hoped that this forum would be just as welcoming as before, regardless of this admission. >.<