my story! ( not fish related, which is why i didn't put it in the art section) - Betta Fish and Betta Fish Care
 
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post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old 12-20-2011, 07:33 PM Thread Starter
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my story! ( not fish related, which is why i didn't put it in the art section)

hey, i am writing a book with some of my friends, and i'm doing th first chapter. i want you guyd to tell me how to do the first two paragraphs, and i will give the best one credit and put it in my book.XD the story is about a girl whose friends are each killed by two serial killers. each chapter is told by another character's perspective, except for the murders and the main character's the first chapter is told by the main character, anna leese, who is a 13 year old girl she has several friends, but i don't know exactly how many.the first person to die is in the 2nd chapter, and she is killed by being shot, and if you want, you can choose where. okay, here are the first two paragraphs:


Quote:
People do bad things. It's a rule of life. It's also a fact that some times those bad things end other, innocent, lives. I just wish that that rule excluded me and my friends. But it doesn't. I haven't died yet, but my friends did. All of them. Each in their own, cruel, way.
But that's not what the first part of the story is about. It's about me, and what my friends were like before they died. If you don't know, you won't feel bad when they die. But if you read this chapter, and skip ahead to the next one, where my first friend talks about dying how she was killed, you probably won't feel a thing. So why don't you just read this first paragraph? Then you will hear me, my friend, and the criminals tell you what happened that fateful day.

~Welcome to my family, Penny (a.k.a. old king cole)~
~My fish~
Prince of whales- red and blue veiltail
Penny/ Old King Cole- red halfmoon
They share a divided 10 gal. tank.
I got Prince from petsmart
and penny from the same store.
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post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old 12-26-2011, 11:22 PM
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Hey! ^^ It's nice to know that there are some other fellow writers on the forum.

So far your first two paragraphs are pretty well done; few grammatical errors and well-structured sentences. In a few places you need to watch out for how you place punctuation marks.
"It's also a fact that some times those bad things end other innocent lives."
"Each in their own cruel way."

Notice how I deleted the commas. They aren't needed in the places you put them. Commas are used to make sentences easier to understand, yes? In this case, your commas are making your sentences a bit choppy. :3 I won't bug you about your sentence fragments, like "all of them" and "but it doesn't", because I use these sometimes, too. XD It doesn't really hinder most people.

And then the last sentence confused me- I had to read it over once more to get the jist. So the criminals will tell you what happened, too? Instead of using "and" try "as well". It will make that sentence easier to understand.

Other than these few minor things, it was great! Keep going. Don't leave us hanging. ^^ If you need anyone to proof-read your writing, I'm happy to help. I love doing that stuff.


In the hobby for 9 years.

Last edited by Betta Slave; 12-26-2011 at 11:27 PM.
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post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old 12-27-2011, 12:39 AM Thread Starter
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yeah! that would be great!
I'll send you some more later.

~Welcome to my family, Penny (a.k.a. old king cole)~
~My fish~
Prince of whales- red and blue veiltail
Penny/ Old King Cole- red halfmoon
They share a divided 10 gal. tank.
I got Prince from petsmart
and penny from the same store.
irbyma7297 is offline  
post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old 12-27-2011, 10:13 AM
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Great! I'll be looking forward to it.

Oh, and I forgot to add- when you start new paragraphs, make sure to indent- the forum won't let you while you're posting, but on Office Word or whatever you're using just press the tab button above caps lock before you start a new paragraph. :) You may want to space our your paragraphs a little more, too ^^ It'll make everything easier to read and distinguish the two.


In the hobby for 9 years.

Last edited by Betta Slave; 12-27-2011 at 10:17 AM.
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post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old 12-27-2011, 04:08 PM Thread Starter
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~okay!~

~Welcome to my family, Penny (a.k.a. old king cole)~
~My fish~
Prince of whales- red and blue veiltail
Penny/ Old King Cole- red halfmoon
They share a divided 10 gal. tank.
I got Prince from petsmart
and penny from the same store.
irbyma7297 is offline  
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