beginning of short story - Betta Fish and Betta Fish Care
 
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post #1 of 3 (permalink) Old 02-24-2012, 11:27 AM Thread Starter
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beginning of short story

hi! i wrote a short story when i was in third grade based off these pictures that some guy wrote to go with short stories.
i wrote one from the drawing mr lindin's library. here is th pic, caption, and title: (Pics at bottom of post)

Mr. Linden's Library


He had warned her about the book.
Now it was too late.

i am re-writing it, and here is the first part

Amelia always loved horror stories. But this one was too much, too real. She never should have gone in to that library. She never should have stolen that book. It was the worst mistake of her life. Luckily, she made it out alive, just barely.
what do you guy think? If you give me a bad comment, that's fine, just give me a reason why you don't like any part of it.

Bye!
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File Type: jpg mr lindon.jpg (10.0 KB, 38 views)

~Welcome to my family, Penny (a.k.a. old king cole)~
~My fish~
Prince of whales- red and blue veiltail
Penny/ Old King Cole- red halfmoon
They share a divided 10 gal. tank.
I got Prince from petsmart
and penny from the same store.
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post #2 of 3 (permalink) Old 02-25-2012, 10:15 PM
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I think the last sentence takes away from the drama. You build up to all this tension, then you say, "Don't worry, she made it". It kills the suspense. I love the rest, though. :) Keep writing!

Life.
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post #3 of 3 (permalink) Old 02-26-2012, 05:55 PM
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I agree w/ Bobularia. You should lead the reader into the 1st chapter or so of the book and then say "Luckily, she made it out alive, just barely." Then it creates some suspense (a truckload of suspense) and brings the reader into the story.

I like bettas. Why would I be here if I didn't?
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