The Autobiography of a Betta Fish - Betta Fish and Betta Fish Care
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post #1 of 47 (permalink) Old 07-14-2011, 02:28 PM Thread Starter
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Post The Autobiography of a Betta Fish

First of all...I'm NOT THAT GOOD OF A WRITER! Lol, I'm just writing this to improve my writing for school next Fall. I need lots of criticism...and suggestions (if any). So, lets begin!




Chapter 1.

"Who are you? Who are you?" 20 voices echoed. 20 small fry were swimming in our 20 gallon tank (how quintessential) nervously. In about three days, we all figured out we were brothers and sisters.
"Why only twenty of us? Shouldn't their be 100?" One of our brothers asked.
"The others got culled! Well, everyone knows that! The others were the puny ones and we are the strong Bettas!" exclaimed one of our sisters. To me, she seemed pretty bossy. I wonder how she would be when we got older.
"Also, I know what our parents looked like! Our father was a Marble Blue Butterfly and our mother, a Fancy Halfmoon Plakat!" she answered. All of the fry...but me...oohed and ahhed at her. But I really didn't like her.


Chapter 2.

We were 6 months old already and we were placed in individual small cups...and THEY WERE UNHEATED! We could see each other...we were so close together, and we usually flared at each other, or talked through the plastic container. I was a Red Marble Butterfly with blue edging around my fins. All of my brother told me I was really handsome. But my bossy sister? She was a Red Marble HMPK with white edging and a blue stripe across her whole body! I knew this because she was the cup next to me. But one day something strange happened. We were all put in a dark box and put into something. The ride to the place was like an earthquake! Respect?! The person handed the box to another person.
"Okay. They are very expensive fish. But I will only make you pay a small fine for all of 20 of them...$50."
"Hmm...I guess that will do. Now...away with you!"
The person quickly ran away after getting his money.
"Expensive fish....psh....I bet their just 13 cent gold fish. Might as well put them in the very back of all the Bettas we have here at PetSmart." I couldn't believe it! 13 cent goldfish! Now we would just die alone in the back of all the Bettas...why was this happening?
After 2 days (we didn't get feed)I felt people kick our box. But then I think someone opened it. Was someone going to buy us? Was out misery gone? Was this it?


Please tell me how that was! Thanks!



I can't believe you're gone, Tom.
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post #2 of 47 (permalink) Old 07-15-2011, 01:46 AM
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IMO Its a little too choppy, no real writing style. Maybe focus on one way of writing, is it a story about the events, a story about the fish, or is the fish telling the story of his own experiences and feeling.

I love the uniqueness and variety of each fish :)

Chester, Pixi, Pheobe and Kol, VT's

Archer and Ishka, CT's

Casper and Sapphire, Delta's

My prized Naran, orange HM
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post #3 of 47 (permalink) Old 07-15-2011, 02:57 AM
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Well I love it, it captures the betta's personality. I don't an writer has to have one way of writing, just like our eating habits, a writer needs variety
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post #4 of 47 (permalink) Old 07-15-2011, 10:40 AM Thread Starter
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@ HD its about the fish's feelings and emotions and its his autobiography...

@ bettafish Thank you very much. I just love your story!



I can't believe you're gone, Tom.
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post #5 of 47 (permalink) Old 07-15-2011, 03:44 PM Thread Starter
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So should I continue?



I can't believe you're gone, Tom.
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post #6 of 47 (permalink) Old 07-15-2011, 04:29 PM
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Some people might not like it, others do... whether we want you to continue or not shouldn't effect if you do. If you enjoy writing the story, then write... I'll continue reading. Those who don't like it don't have to read it.

Betta:
Males - Alpha(CT), Unnamed Dragon(HMPK)
Females - Red, Green, Teal, Blue, Pina, Helena

Dragons:
Xerxes
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post #7 of 47 (permalink) Old 07-15-2011, 04:34 PM Thread Starter
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Aww...thanks Shimi! I will write some more in a half an hour. =^.^=



I can't believe you're gone, Tom.
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post #8 of 47 (permalink) Old 07-15-2011, 04:42 PM
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Did you not ask for criticism or suggestions? If you don't want an opinion don't ask, I wasnt commenting with I'll motive, but you still had to call me out on my page to be sure and let me know you were disappointed.....

I love the uniqueness and variety of each fish :)

Chester, Pixi, Pheobe and Kol, VT's

Archer and Ishka, CT's

Casper and Sapphire, Delta's

My prized Naran, orange HM
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post #9 of 47 (permalink) Old 07-15-2011, 05:40 PM Thread Starter
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No, I was saying my opinion...was I not? A good writer needs criticism even when not asked for. So that's what I did to your story.



I can't believe you're gone, Tom.
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post #10 of 47 (permalink) Old 07-15-2011, 05:53 PM
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I think it would be best for us to drop this and stay off each others pages.

I love the uniqueness and variety of each fish :)

Chester, Pixi, Pheobe and Kol, VT's

Archer and Ishka, CT's

Casper and Sapphire, Delta's

My prized Naran, orange HM
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