But all my sorry's will never bring you back.
I'm so sorry my perfect little boy, I wish you had someone better who could have owned you, you deserved it more than I can say. You helped me through my depression, you were there when I was alone. A beautiful knight in shinning armor, fins flashing with a brilliant glow. You had kindness and love, a heart of gold. I wish I hadn't looked away, it only took a second for our lives to be ripped apart and now your gone. I feel alone without you, how can I fight my sadness, my crippling darkness without here to guide me back and remind me what was worth living for. Angels come in all shapes and sizes, some as small as ants, others in forms one wouldn't expect. But you were my little angel, making me smile, rescuing me from my depression, from my broken state, me sealed fate. You witnessed meltdowns and watched me hurt myself more than others hurt me but you never thought differently of me, you never loved me less, and you were always there when I needed you, listening to my every trouble no one else cared to hear. I was sick and broken when you found me, moving to a new place, afraid, no one to turn to but you picked me out of hundreds of people for I know i never picked you. You always knew when I needed help, you swam to greet me, you were the reason I woke up because I knew I had to take care of you. Even when I wanted to stay in bed and wither away I thought of you and how you needed me. Most people here tell their stories about rescuing fish and watching them get better. We share a story much like theirs but ours is different. You rescued me, I came to you with my spirit ripped, my body rotting away, my hope sluffing away. I was nothing more than a corpse, little to live for, nothing to fight for. I was drowning in misery and two months past from nearly taking my life in my own bathtub but you never saw that. I find it funny I almost took my life with water and it was a fish who reached out and pulled me back, gave me something to fight for. You stood there every say I broke down crying in front of your tank and you shook your body all over in a little dance as if saying "Don't cry, there are still beautiful things in this world." You brought me peace and comfort, your eyes so bright and alive. I felt like the betta ripping my own fins apart and when my world was collapsing all around me you just kept swimming and showing me life can be so simple for just a moment. Holding you in my hands, when you swam between my fingers, you always had to be right there, YOU HAD TO BE RIGHT THERE. Though I needed you there this was the one time you shouldn't have been. You looked at me with your big eyes and I said I loved you but you had to be right there when I turned away and you were gone. I heard the ghastly sound like the air being ripped from my own lungs and I screamed. I ripped the hose apart from the vac and put you in a cup but when I saw the damage done I knew it was too late. I knew I couldn't save you and how the irony was. I had saved so many before but I couldn't save you, the one i needed, the one I loved more than I love myself, the one who saved me. I COULDN'T AQUARIUS AND I'M SORRY. All I could do was end your pain, your passing felt like a bullet through my heart, I wonder when the blood will stop, if I'll pass out from the pain, am i dreaming, am I dead, who am I, where are we? Why did you go so soon? I still need you with me, I still need to know I have someone there when I bleed, when I'm in pain, when I'm drowning. It hurts to loose a pet, it hurts more to loose your guardian angel. I feel I betrayed you, and maybe I won't survive, maybe i won't get strong, maybe my fins will never heal, maybe I'll never find another like you and maybe I'll be lost in the tide forever wondering when it's going to pull me under but I lived a life of misery battling a crippling illness that takes me little by little. But in this life of mine you gave me some happiness, you gave me some hope, you made my world a little beautiful. Don't let your light go with you, don't leave me in the dark.