LOL, well, you did rule out just about everything!
You could do hermit crabs.
I had a couple as a kid, they don't pinch and are cute to watch, they are easy care a weekly bath and sand rinse. I just kept 2 batches of sand. I'd empty the tank into a bucket, stick a hose in it to clean it, and grab last weeks bucket and dump it in the tank. LOL, little buckets, kid's sand-pail size. Kept them under the bathroom sink.
And please, please, unless it's naturally a very solitary or territorial critter - give your pets some company. Even if you spend a solid hour a say with them, that's still 23 hours that they're all alone.
You'll get to know them just fine. Actually better, as they won't be lonely and depressed. Our 2 mice, Linny and Peaches, are dashing and playing tag all around their cage across the room. As soon as they stop, they'll groom each other and cuddle. They are both just as personable and tame as they'd be alone, and far more entertaining and happy. Linny likes to tease the cats ;)