Relapsing: The Medication Isn't Working, On to Something New.
Recently had some breakdowns the past 4 months, almost put in the hospital twice, attempted suicide once and am now on new medication and taking Ativan again as well for my panic attacks I have. Cutting has returned, oh how it has returned. I don't have much but now that I am returning to a well functioning human again I wish to share a few more pages from those deep dives I had. I'm amazed by how much I can write when I don't even have the will to live and even more amazed I don't remember ever writing most of it.
"Drowning is a hell of a way to go, I don't know why anyone would try it."
"Tomorrow will be a better day. If you have no faith in that then what is the point of waking up?"
"If you can survive this you can survive anything the world throws at you."
"I will always live with my demons and sadly set a place for them at the table when they visit me."
"Depression is the only friend I never wanted and the only friend I hate to see leave me. Who am I without you? You're the only one I have left, don't go."
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Forever alone, forever dead and damned. There si no point to living and no reason to die. Only to stop existing and have never been, this is my end. Can someone suffer so much pain they feel dead? Can you feel so alone you can't breath and yet hate company by your side? So afraid you don't know who to trust anymore? I do, and I always have. For once I feared the dark and now it has become my only comfort. My safety, my friend.
Suffering, agony, pain, suffer, suffer, suffer, suffer, suffer, PAIN, AGONY, SUFFER, SUFFER, SUFFER, SUFFER, SUFFER, SUFFER, SUFFER, SUFFER, SUFFER, SUFFER, SUFFER, MAKE IT STOP, PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm screaming through my silence, crying through my smile to protect those around me. It never gets better from this point, only worse. I suffer in silence. My silence. I wear my heart on my sleeve and a mask on my face. If only the world could see what a coward I am. I write this now only so that when I'm gone everyone will know why I did it. Everyone will understand why I gave up, because there was nothing left for me here, nothing left worth fighting for.
Riddle me this, how does one sure pain? With more pain. Bloody gashes. Doctor Prescribed patient approved since 1865.
Bleed out the evil in your veins. A 20th century cure.
Cutting isn't enough anymore, I need to go deep, see my blood. I want to end it so badly, living is pain. My pain is too great to live with. I am sick and f***ing tired of pretending I am alright. I am sick and f***ing tired of my family and their s***. I want to be alone, I want to wither away. If no one was home I would take all the pills. Remember little one, no one is on your side. No one can be trusted. NO ONE. Not your friends, not your family, not even YOU. You are and have always been alone in this. No matter their lies, bulls***, their smug f***ing faces. No one gives a s***. Fact, I am all I have and even I f***ing hate myself. What does that mean for me? Death, it's inevitable. I'm going to kill myself eventually. Why run from my destiny?
The night Aquarius died and I was nearly hospitalized
You stupid f***ing w****, I hope you die drowning, hope you burn in hell and rot. Stupid s***, I hate you GOD I HATE YOU. You're nothing. You don't deserve the air you breath, you don't deserve it after you killed my only friend. You killed him, it's all your fault he's dead you monster. The only thing that ever loved you since Ophelia and you killed him. You deserve all your suffering, you deserve to die. MURDERER, MURDERER, KILLER KILLER BURN IN HELL WHERE YOU BELONG. DIE!!!!
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There is a hell, I'm living proof. It's not a place you do to after you die, it's the place you live in now. Death is the escape from this hell, but what if I dare to suffer it a while longer? Do I have hope I'll ever get better? Haven't I proven I'm not? New medication. In a month from now I'll either be dead or I'll be alive and on something else. I'll see when life gets better, if it never does at least I tried. At least people can look back and say i went down fighting for my happiness and those few bright moments when I was free from this whole thing. I look into the world from my curtain of tears and chains built from my fears. I watch everyone so happy to be alive while I shiver in my cold cell. When do I get to be apart of that world in the sun? When do I get to say I'm happy I'm alive? When do the good days outnumber the bad? Today I had a good day, so good I bawled. I was in public feeling the sting of all my cuts burning against my pants, waiting in line for my tea and a muffin. I haven't eaten in days so I was starving. It's been about three weeks since i tried to kill myself, one week since I was nearly put in a hospital or maybe less, I can't recall. Some kind old lady asked if I was tired and I said yes. It's been harder for me to wake up in the morning. She let me stand in line in front of her and I swear as true as the day she turned to me and smiled and said something so sweet I nearly broke into tears. "You are such a beautiful young girl, I bet you have the whole world before you." It was so simple and so kind and made em see so much I couldn't see before. I got my tea and forgot my muffin and went out into my car and cried, for how long I don't know but I cried so hard and it felt so good. When I brushed the tears away I looked at the snow and how it shimmered, the few birds left in this frozen dead state huddled together surviving. I felt like one of those little birds. If I just huddle with those left suffering in this cold world together we might all make it. I want to be that old lady some day, I want to get old and not die young in my pain. I want to wake up and say I did it, I have a future, I am a living person, I feel, I think, I love. I have battled these long dark months to come out and have some glimmer of hope. I'm alive, and though my car was cold I felt so warm. It could have been my tea but i felt so obviously warm and filled with something. I want to share this life with someone, something, I want to so something with my life. i have my music and I have my stories but I want to make this life mean something. Black Book, this isn't the end, it's only the start. Yes I'll have more bad days but here it is one good day, how many more can I make? Someday someone will love you so much, don't take yourself away from them. Some day the world is going to see who you are, some day you are going to be the power beneath some suffering little girls wings and give her hope to keep fighting. Be strong so you can make the future stronger. Be strong so some day you can save lives and help people. Be strong, I know it's in you, be strong for those you have lost and be strong for those you have yet to find.
IBC Member since 2013