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Old 05-27-2013, 05:55 PM   #11 
NeptunesMom
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Would you like another? I sometimes feel like too many critiques can be an overload. I'm not an English prof (I'm a social science TA, and I worked at a community college teaching social science), but I can look through and see anything that stands out to me. I'm not going to lie, I'm starting my PhD in the fall and I still get my papers back with commas slashed out, and tenses changes.
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Old 05-28-2013, 09:07 AM   #12 
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Sure Neptune- I want to become a better writer. My professor is confusing me a bit. One hand he talks about being entertaining and all the elements that go into a story to make it entertaining (he tells us to think of movie plots for example). However, he comes across as strict and serious. I am not really sure where to go. I have used informal language as I think of this as more entertaining and reachable to the average reader but I may have gone overboard with it. I will send you an email you can send your evaluation to. Thanks!
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Old 05-28-2013, 03:32 PM   #13 
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Informal writing is fine as long as you keep it consistent (I know I changed ALL the informal contractions in your document). Like I said, I am used to writing all formal for history/english. The only time I was allowed to write informally was in folklore and even then contractions are a no-no.

To write informally you still have to write so the document is in a formal format. If you know what I mean, for example, you can be informal and still conduct your sentences to sound robotic. In other words, don't write how you sound when you talk. If everybody did this, there would be mass confusion because everybody lives in different dialects and have different colloquialisms (Newfoundlanders call really awesome things "deadly" but when I write it for the audience [you all on the forum] I cannot use the term "deadly" in the way I know it locally like when I say it (("I love betta fish, they're deadly")). Another common one for Newfoundlanders is pluralising things that don't need to be pluralised. This is done in speech and would go something like, "Oh man I loves you", "I runs to the store for my beer")

If that makes sense you can change your writing from sounding too "vocal" to sounding more readable for all audiences. This means you can still make it sound entertaining like a movie but you always have to assume little quirks in speech are not understood across the board.
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Old 05-28-2013, 10:37 PM   #14 
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Laki I have not had a chance to email you but your feedback was very helpful and I do appreciate it. I did eliminate most informal language from the essay. I found some other people to read it today. It seems once you double space it's 11 pages long. Apparently no one wants to read the whole thing. They just are not interested in fish. I found it interesting they wanted to quit when I start describing the mistreatment of the fish.
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Old 05-28-2013, 10:39 PM   #15 
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I wrote a betta version of the Starfish story not for the essay but just for the fun of it:

“A man was in the pet store shopping for food for his dog One day, while looking at the pet food he saw a person sorting through fish in cups. He grew curious. She was arching her arm studying them closely. As he came closer he saw that it was a young woman and she was not sorting but was reaching down to examine them and frowning.
"Young lady," he asked, "Why are you looking at those fish so sadly?
"There are so many of them, and I only have room for a few, and if I do not buy them many of them will die."
"But young lady, do you not realize that there are thousand sof bettas? They are just fish no big deal. You cannot possibly make a difference."
The young woman listened politely, paused and then bent down, picked up another betta and put it in her basket. She passed him, saying, "It made a difference for that one." She said when I leave I am going to have a word with the manager about how they are treating these fish. I am going to ask him to keep up their on their water changes. If he doesn’t listen I will post photos of how he cares for the fish on the internet.


The old man looked at the young woman inquisitively and thought about what she had said. Inspired, he joined her and he put two bettas in his cart and said he would say something to the management too. Soon others heard the conversation and joined in. They took photos of the fish with their cell phones and promise to post them online if they didn’t see any improvement. They also took a betta of their own. The young lady helped them find nice aquariums and supplies to keep their bettas healthy. However, not all the bettas were saved." They made a difference though. When they all went through the checkout line and registered their dissatisfaction with how the bettas were being treated. Unfortunately, there are so many pet stores and there will always be more to replace to them; so we have to keep telling them to upgrade their treatment so all the bettas will really see a better life.

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Old 05-29-2013, 09:37 AM   #16 
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That's beautiful. :) Made me smile, because it's so true.

Glad I could help :) It gave me something to do and I like helping people.
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