Lol ok, even so, you may (or may not lol) want to try some of those techniques, it may calm him down, if he enjoys it he will start to realise that being touched or held upside down etc isn't really such a bad thing :)
I always hold my dogs upside down like lil' babies xD My dad's 60 pound beagle/basset just lays there like "meh okay" my mom's lil' 15 pounder flops over like a ragdoll. He's slowly getting used to it - it's a great trust activity really. I can even "pretend to drop" my mom's dog and she'll just lay there looking at me with her half-an-underbite and buggy eyes They knew I wouldn't hurt them xD