Happily there is no fish in here.
I completely cleaned the tank on Friday, replaced the old water with fresh and cleaned the sand. Literally all that's in this tank is a piece of driftwood, some aquarium sand, and water. There's a filter and a heater, both running and working properly.
This is what the tank looks like Monday morning. What the heck is going on? The slimy-looking skin is covering the substrate as well.