I'm often told, "You are such a strong person" "You are so positive for having been through so much"! Well, tonight I don't feel strong. I have had a lot happen in the past couple months, and well, to be honest, I'm exhausted, and teary. At the end of May I went to a dermatologist, after not being able to for three years. (That is another story) I had four moles removed, and found out a week later that two of them were cancerous. I remember the phone call..how I sat there stunned, trying to breathe. I called my husband at work, then got in my car and drove to a friend's house. My friend is wonderful, and was saying all the "right" things..but, I wasn't ready to hear them yet, so I hugged her and left. I got back in my car, and on the way home passed by a tattoo parlor. Okay, I know this sounds crazy, but all of a sudden it was all I could think about..getting a new tattoo. Most women when they hear the word cancer, and NEED to do something for themselves get their hair done, or their nails done, or shop. NOT ME! No, I went back to the parlor, knowing already that I wanted to have one of those Chinese symbols put on me...something about hope. I sat on the floor of the parlor with my $50 knowing it would just barely cover a small tattoo. A young man who was working there came and sat beside me, and says, "What's wrong"? I guess I must have looked as lost as I felt, I told him quickly, "I just found out I have cancer". He spent a long time helping me pick out not one but FOUR Chinese symbols, they mean, Trust, Faith, Confidence, Reliance, it's called Shin Rai. He did the whole thing IN PURPLE for the $50. Anyway, I had the surgery to remove the two cancerous areas on June 14th. I finally got the call on June 26th that all the cancer had been removed. So, I'm just finally healing. Then two weeks ago my husband got laid off from work. I managed to keep my peace about me, not panic, trust God. We have worked together to find him work, and also spent the past three days delivering phone books just to bring in a bit of money. We were blessed that his unemployment came in so quickly, though most of his income was subcontracted, so we lost about 2/3 of our total income. Hubby had two interviews today, and I am positive he will have something very soon. In the meantime, one of my family members, for reasons I can't figure out, has betrayed me in the most horrible way possible, and turned one of my own children against me. My oldest daughter and I have always had a rough relationship, she never forgave me for divorcing her dad I guess, and I've spent years feeling guilty and trying to make up for it. Really, it's too long of a story I've written already. Let's just say I've always been "the bad mother". Well, she and I were finally really talking, and sharing before this "family" member decided to tell her a pack of lies about me, and now my daughter won't even speak to me. SIGH...between the cancer, the job loss, the "loss" of my daughter, I can honestly say, I don't feel strong right now. I've been tearing up on and off all evening. I'm just so tired. I'm so hurt. I just want a chance to breathe, to relax, to finish healing my body, and my heart, and just get on with my life. A happy life. A healthy life. I am truly blessed to have a wonderful, kind and caring husband. I love our home, our dogs, and our fish...we have what we need for today. I guess like the title says though, even the strong can break.
Kim
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