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Old 09-14-2012, 12:03 AM   #1 
Alcemistnv
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The Raincloud in the Rainbow Sky

**Might be bad to read these if you are depressed/suicidal. I don't want my thoughts to influence someone else to do something harmful to themselves.**


So, as you can tell by the title of the journal, this isn't going to be a real happy one. I need a place to write my thoughts where I can be away from my RL friends, but can experience help from others.

Things haven't been going so well in my life, I've had extremely low points, and I haven't gone up since.

I may update more than once a day depending on how life is going.

I will be using a system in which I will rate my mood from 1-10 (1 being worst, 10 being the best) and a stress level, 1-10 again.

I hope by analyzing this, I can realize a trend in my life...

You ARE allowed to post here :)

Last edited by Alcemistnv; 09-14-2012 at 12:13 AM.
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Old 09-14-2012, 12:11 AM   #2 
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Unhappy Day 1 of Journal

Mood- 3
Stress- 4

Yup, starting out with some really low numbers :/

It's currently 1 am, I'm alone, doing homework I hate.
Math.
I'm not talking about "omg it's so hard!" I'm talking about the fact that after I mess up aa problem, there's nothing stopping me from feeling like absolutely crap about myself.
In high school Calc, I used to leave test days crying.
I knew I was a failure in math, and I still am.

But guess who is a business major and needs to take Financial Accounting?
It's not even the math, but the fact that even if your numbers add up, you can mess up the title of something, and you second guess your math, and you get mad because you mess up, etc.

I HATE IT.

I hate this work. I hate that I have no choice but to do it. I hate how it makes me feel like crap.

My friends told me that if I got a grade higher than my other friend in my Japanese class, I was going to get homemade cookies, and if I got an A, then a cake.

And I was so motivated. I've been doing all my homework. I studied.
But why.
Why can't I pass these quizzes?
Why can't I ever pass a class with something without a C or a B?
Why am I so bad?

I just hate the way my life is going right now.
A 2.3 and 2.8 GPA for freshman year is HORRIBLE.
And everytime I think about it, I choke back the terrible thoughts.
I'm a failure and I'm not happy with the fact that I have to hide this from my dad.

What would he do if he knew?
Would he take my fish away?
Would he take my dog away?
Would he take my laptop away?

What do I do?
And everytime I get a glimpse of the answer, I get struck back down and I'm stuck in the corner over and over again, thinking about how much of a failure I am. Because in reality, that's really all I do think of myself.
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Old 09-14-2012, 12:36 AM   #3 
dramaqueen
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You're not a failure! I think you're being too hard on yourself. It does help to keep a journal of your feelings. A friend of mine does journaling and art therapy when she's feeling stressed or depressed and it helps her. *hugs*
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Old 09-14-2012, 12:53 AM   #4 
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It is smart and brave of you to do this.

When I was going through a hard time, I would write myself notes. Notes that told me the facts, and I would re-read these notes and I would feel better. You are going a step further, and are allowing complete strangers, yet friends, help you, and give feedback.

From what I gather, you are just like me.

I use to be so negative. I can't even tell you what I'd do to put myself down.

I would suggest something to clear your mind. Go for a run, draw a picture, listen to dubstep, or buy some legos and build something (actually helped me some).

Either way, we are all here for you.
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Old 09-14-2012, 10:39 AM   #5 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dramaqueen View Post
You're not a failure! I think you're being too hard on yourself. It does help to keep a journal of your feelings. A friend of mine does journaling and art therapy when she's feeling stressed or depressed and it helps her. *hugs*
Everyone tells me I'm too hard on myself, but I don't know how to be "soft" on myself....
And it helped me a lot *hugs(

Quote:
Originally Posted by Frazzle View Post
It is smart and brave of you to do this.

When I was going through a hard time, I would write myself notes. Notes that told me the facts, and I would re-read these notes and I would feel better. You are going a step further, and are allowing complete strangers, yet friends, help you, and give feedback.

From what I gather, you are just like me.

I use to be so negative. I can't even tell you what I'd do to put myself down.

I would suggest something to clear your mind. Go for a run, draw a picture, listen to dubstep, or buy some legos and build something (actually helped me some).

Either way, we are all here for you.

I use my fish to help me calm down, but usually if I go somewhere alone, I feel worse. I don't like ebing alone, it makes me anxious and makes everything worse :<

I'm going to start getting back into drawing, or maybe do another paintinig...

Thank you
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Old 09-14-2012, 04:19 PM   #6 
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Hi love. Sorry to hear you are feeling so low :'( I know exactly how that feels (especially the math part!). Everything will get better - it's just waiting for it to happen that's the hard part!

And, of course, all you fish-fanatic pals are here for you :)
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Old 09-14-2012, 06:08 PM   #7 
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Thanks Toad :)
((Also, I misssed youuuuuu <3))

Mood-7
Stress-4

Stress is still there, but I'm feeling quite a bit better.
Pudge has some weird problem so it's getting me worried. But Squirt is fine so I don't think I have to worry for the moment.

I might be going out with some friends tonight to a party, only to get some stress off. It's a 4 day weekend so a LOT of people are leaving, and those that are staying are mainly the people I don't like. So I'm spending time tonight with those I want to be with .

I also started thinking about my future and what I want to do. I'm hoping that by keeping someone of a postive outlook, I can do what I want.

As I'm sitting here, I can see all my bettas, and I realize that I wat them to be happy too. So I feel likeit'd be amazing to live in a big enough apartment next year where I can buy some larger tanks for them. I would love to see Sir Bubbles in a 20 gallon, or even Buddha.

I get a refund check every semester, and I am hoping I can get it this year. If I do, I will be able to put money on the side for a new apartment, and hopefully, another dog. :)

Fingers crossed things get better as the day goes on :)
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Old 09-14-2012, 10:23 PM   #8 
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I'm glad you're feeling better. I hope it keeps getting better.
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Old 09-15-2012, 12:29 AM   #9 
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Ah, it got better, then worse..

Mood: 8 then 2
Stress: 7 then 5

Around 9, I had two friends come over and we hung out in my room for 2 hours. We listened to music, talked about my fish, and told stories. I literally had a great time, and although we rarely see each other, it was nice to be with some friends that hnoestly don't know what's going on and can just enjoy you for who you are.

Then around 11:30, we had a birthday party set up, and 12 was the birthday party itself. Well, once things started going, things started getting overwhelming. Some people became flat out rude to others, and some just ignored the others. There was a lot of rudeness and inside problems with each other that I, one who is neutral in a lot of this, began to get overwhelemed. I wish I could go into specifics about this, but I can't for fear of who will see this.

But overall, I really wish I could just turn off my friendship with someone with no consequences. Sometimes I just want to leave this school and go by my self.

It's sucks to have such a bad feeling.

I've realized about myself something interesting though. If I ever have an "up" period n which I feel amazing, I do something or go somewhere that with or without my knowledge, will bring me "down." I can spend a total of 2 hours feeling great about myself and my life, but 10 hours after that, I will feel like I'm useless and hate myself.

It's just a continuous up and down, and I don't enjoy this as my life.
I'm going to try to focus on the positives, but it's so hard when there's so few.
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Old 09-15-2012, 06:42 AM   #10 
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I'm sorry that the party wasn't as good a time as you'd hoped it would be :( People are so rude and immature sometimes - life is too short to be nasty to one another!

When I get depressed, I find that the most helpful thing is to get out of my own head. If I sit and think about it, it just gets worse and worse and worse. But, when I find something else to do or think about - even a simple thing, it gets better. It could be something simple like repotting a plant, or decorating a fish tank. Being around another person (and talking about their problems instead of mine lol) helps a lot, too, as being alone with all your stress can be so overwhelming.

I missed you, also :) I see you have more fishies now!
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