Ugh. My college is in an "upscale" neighborhood that has one pet store in walking distance. It sucks, the fish section is like half an aisle. But they have enough supplies for emergencies and food, which is mostly what I go for. They don't even sell fish.
But, anyways, GOOD NEWS!
I found safe water! 0ppm of Nitrates, Nitrites, and Ammonia!
The catch? It's water from the freezing cold drinking fountain
I have one more water source I want to test, namely the sink in the laundry room.
I have a feeling the water fountain is my best bet though, in which case, I'd be filling a bucket with that water and letting it sit overnight to reach room temp. *sigh*