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Old 11-29-2012, 05:06 PM   #1 
aqua001
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Smile Any ideas for my book?

I wrote this book and wondered if any of you had a good idea for a title. The first page is boring and so is the second. I'm probably going to change them. This book is about a girl (Maria) and her friend Jordan and how Jordan is a spy and well, you'll see. It is completely made up and for like a ten year old- 13 year old. Oh, and there is a bunch of typos too. I just took something from the middle of the book. And no mean critics! Okay, here is the story:

Four
That night, back in her dormitory, Maria tossed and turned restlessly on her bunk.
“Geez, stop moving already, Maria!”
“I’m trying!” Maria snapped.
“Whoa, what a temper!”
“Just do me a favor and shut up, okay?”
“Maria, are you alright?” Jordan asked.
“Yeah I’m fine, just tired.”
“’Kay, night, everyone.”
At exactly 1:45, Jordan woke up. She looked around the dim room lit up by a single beam of moonlight. She slipped the perilous folder out, climbed onto Maria’s bunk and tried to wake her up. Maria moaned and Jordan slapped a hand across her mouth. Jordan looked around. Good, no one. Jordan climbed back down and silently pressed a hidden button on the ground with her toe. The tile on the ground screeched open and Jordan winced. Geez, time for greasing! She thought. Inside laid a ladder, a gun and a backpack. As she reached down to get the gun, she heard “Mwoooow!” Jordan whipped around, almost falling into the hole. Isabelle was balanced precariously on the edge of Maria’s bunk.
“That was the best you could do? I thought I would have to fight or something!” Isabelle whispered. Maria was now awake and her eyes were moving wildly, while the rest of her body was tied up and there was a gag in her mouth.
“Oh yeah, you’ll have to fight!” Jordan snapped back, gruffer than Maria had ever seen her. Jordan reached into the hole that Maria hadn’t noticed and pulled out a gun. Maria gasped, or at least tried to, obviously unsuccessfully. Isabelle pulled a knife out of her pocket and sliced Maria across the face with it, intentionally or not, she couldn’t tell. Maria thrashed around in pain and when she finally got onto her side, she pressed the wound against the sheets. She heard a gun go off, but amazingly silently and then something above her. She thrashed around until she got back on her back and saw Valerie’s head poke out.
“What is going on?” She mouthed to Maria. Maria desperately tried to show that she was tied up and suffering a possibly fatal wound. Valerie grinned and jumped down from her perch. She landed expertly beside Maria without a sound. Maria was so confused. She tried to think things over as Valerie removed her gag and bandaged her wound. Okay, it started with the folder and Valerie’s birth certificate within it. Then Jordan saw and got furious. She walked off with it and Isabelle and Marissa come back. We ate lunch and finished the day. There was nothing suspicious. Then at night I wake up and am tied up and gagged. Jordan and Isabelle pull out weapons and start fighting. Finally Valerie shows up and starts acting like a mother. By the time Maria was done thinking Valerie was done bandaging and fussing. The wound didn’t hurt at all. Maria lifted her hand to feel her cheek. It was smooth. Now that is what I call weird. Maria thought, punishing herself for not paying attention to how Valerie did it. Valerie handed her a knife, almost cutting her again. Then Valerie cut right through the bed. She cut three sides of the square and gestured for Maria to stab her knife through the middle. Maria did with extra strength and the force of it almost made her yell. The knife was so sharp it only required little strength. Valerie glared at her and Maria gave an apologetic look. Valerie cut the rest of the square and the piece of the bed stuck onto Maria’s knife. Valerie pointed to the red button on her knife and Maria pressed hers. The blade slowly and stealthily got longer and longer until it was just about an inch from the bottom bed, which was empty. Valerie pointed to the blue button and when Maria pressed it, the piece of the bed dropped of the knife. Valerie lowered herself onto the bed below and Maria followed. Valerie suddenly shouted some kind of war cry and charged forward stabbing Isabelle squarely on her back. Isabelle shouted, eyes wide and then slumped on the floor in front of Valerie’s feet, lifeless. Maria stumbled back in alarm and dropped her knife, which lodged itself into the ground.
“How...why…she was just… why?” Maria stuttered after finally being able to peel her eyes off of the bloody pool that had formed.
“Maria,” Jordan said, sighing.
“We have a lot to explain but first, let ge
Five
“What palace?” Maria asked.
“You’ll see soon enough.”
“Wuvellious!” Valerie screamed. A black pit formed, about five feet both ways.
“Now don’t fret. Wuvellious is the password to go both in and out of the palace. It’s the only password there is, so it should be pretty easy. Now hop in.” Jordan said, nodding towards the black pit.
“Have you lost all your sane? Jumping in there is like jumping off the Empire State Building!”
“But in this case, you won’t die.” Valerie said calmly.
“Yup, you’ve lost your minds. That’s a fact.” Maria said. Valerie and Jordan looked at each other.
“It’s force, then.” Jordan said. Before Maria had time to react, Jordan and Valerie grabbed Maria by the wrists and pulled her towards the swirling pit.
“NO! NO! NO! NO! NOOOOOOO!!!” Maria howled and kicked and tried desperately to free her hands as they disappeared down the pit. Maria squeezed her eyes shut and prepared to die. They were falling straight down with accelerating speed. Maria had no clue if she was falling upside down or right side up. It got warmer and warmer. Air whooshed past her making her hair fly up in all directions.
“THIS IS WORSE THAN THE WORST RIDE IN DISNEYWORLD!!!” Maria roared at the top of her lungs. Just when Maria was sure she would die, she and Valerie landed softly on a pile of hay. Jordan landed a moment later, neatly on her feet. It was dark and there was no way out, expect back up, which was not possible.
“Shoot. Now we’re stuck. Would you please explain how we got here?” Maria was bubbling with frustration and anger.
“Not yet.” Valerie said.
“Wuvellious!” Jordan cried. Two tunnels appeared. One was red and warm, the other dark with a somewhat blue appearance to it.
“This way!” Jordan said, pointing to the dark tunnel.
“Um…no. You mean this way?” Maria said, rolling her eyes and pointing to the warm tunnel.
“No, I mean this way.” Jordan said, pointing back at the blue tunnel.
“Whatever, we’re as good as dead already. We might as well get it over with.” Maria aforesaid.
“Do you always think like that?” Valerie asked. Through all the fury, Maria almost forgot about Valerie.
“Why are you being so nice? And plus, I speak like that, not think like that.” Maria inquired.
“Don’t be smart with me! Get in the tunnel and I’ll tell you why I’m nice.”
“No!!! Why would I trust you?”
“Because I say so.” Jordan said.
“Whatever.” Maria said, shrugging. So the trio started into the tunnel, with Valerie first, Maria following, and Jordan bringing up the rear. They soon reached a metal door, locked with the most futuristic mechanism Maria had ever seen.
“Wuvellious!” Valerie screamed again. Maria winced.
“I am so sick of that word!” Maria cried. Then the gears started moving, faster and faster, until Maria was sure they would simply fly off and kill them all. It whirred and whirred for what seemed like hours. It finally jolted to a stop and the door opened. Maria, who was mesmerized by the gears, missed Jordan shooting a look to Valerie.
“Are we in a James Bond movie remake with a bunch of kids? I mean, with bloody knives and guns and all, this is way too crazy to be real. What’s in your backpack?”
“I’ll tell you what’s in my backpack once we get there. But seriously, you have to pay closer attention to things if you want to be a sp-” “Jordan!” Valerie exclaimed, glaring at her. “Well, you’d better start believing because this is as real as a cat!” Valerie said, totally changing the subject.
“What is so real about a cat?” Maria challenged.
“First of all, like I said before, don’t get smart with me. Second, I think you know clearly what I mean.” Maria rolled her eyes.
“Hey, I saw that, you know.” Valerie said.
“Yeah, I noticed you see just around everything.” Maria retorted sarcastically. Valerie ignored her comment.
“Onward!” Jordan said with enthusiasm. Maria rolled her eyes again.
“Hey, try to maintain a good attitude or I’ll lose it, okay?” Valerie asked with a slight edge to her voice.
“It’s hard to do with you around!” Maria muttered under her breath.
“Yeah, well your just a useless piece of crap!” Valerie snapped back.
“Hey, just break it up already, okay?! I’m tired of you guys jabbering on and on about nothing!!” Jordan hollered, pushing her way into the fight. Maria and Valerie glared at each other but didn’t say anything to each other for
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Old 11-29-2012, 11:31 PM   #2 
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Kinda hard to follow/understand.
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Old 11-30-2012, 06:07 PM   #3 
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Oh, I took it from the middle of the book, so that may be why. What part is confusing? Or is it hard to follow in general? Thanks!
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Old 11-30-2012, 06:35 PM   #4 
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In general. If it was from the middle then I totally understand.
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Old 12-01-2012, 11:08 AM   #5 
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@aqua001 I will edit the Continue the story thread when we are finished, can I post the *edited* story here?
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Old 12-01-2012, 07:54 PM   #6 
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Wait... i don't understand what you mean, fishy.
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Old 12-02-2012, 10:14 PM   #7 
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I mean the thread that i created (continue the story) and i was wondering if i could edit it and post it here?.
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Old 12-03-2012, 06:37 PM   #8 
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Yeah! I'm still thinking about titles, though. But go ahead and post it here!
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