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Old 05-08-2013, 11:55 AM   #1 
bniebetta
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Need some life advice/ support

I am about to spill some of the most emotional circumstances and secrets of my life. Please be constructive and kind in your comments.... I am doing this because I feel like I have no one to talk to about it (or the people I can talk to cannot possibly relate of have any advice for me). Be prepared: this story is going to take a while, but I would really appreciate it if you would take the time to read it and help me. This is too long for the rant thread, which is why I am posting it here.

This story starts with divorce. About two or three years ago, my mother woke me up at about 6 am to take me on a drive and tell me that she and my father were separating, and that she, I, and my brother were moving to the nearest town with her girlfriend and her two kids. My father would be moving to the second closest town. She also said that she would be taking my brother and I to meet our new step-parent that very same night.

Obviously, I was a wreck even though I thought it would be best for them to separate. They never got along and often had borderline physical altercations at times. I did my very best to remain positive about the situation, and had a really good attitude about moving and gaining new family. I was raised Mormon (I have not been religious for a long time, just to clarify, but I was raised in this church), so at the time, the fact that my mother would be having a relationship with a woman was a very new, but not revolting idea to me. With some effort, I was able to accept it graciously and adapt to the new setting.

I did everything I could to bond with my new family, which was very difficult at times because the children were very young and needy and I was not accustomed to entertaining kids for most of the day. I did grow very attached to them, however, and found a new sense of family and household that I had always yearned for when I lived with my mom and dad. I thrived. I had excellent grades in college (I always had, but I was able to apply myself even more). I had a great job and was hoarding money in my savings like there was no tomorrow. I was beginning to heal from my mother and father's separation.

This new life all came crashing down when there began to be a lot of fighting and tension in the house for inexplicable reasons. There were drunken fights and outbursts, arguments on how the how was being kept, and all of us kids were stuck in the middle of it. Finally, there was one final very violent blowout where the cops were called and all of my step-mother's possessions were ejected from the house immediately. I cannot bring myself to say the words that I know were exchanged between my mother and step-mother, but they were absolutely disgusting and mind-blowing.

Most of the furniture we decided to keep when we moved in was my step mothers, so when she left, my house was virtually empty for at least a month. My mother did nothing. She cried constantly and had extreme emotional breakdowns. My father was of course in another city living his life, and my brother had already left for his training in the marines. I was the only one there to deal with it and try to draw her from the brink of suicide, and for a while it was easy for me to step up and take control to the house and take care of her.

It has been more than a year since this happened, and things have only gotten worse. I have continued to constantly witness endless psychotic breakdowns and unhealthy cycles. I am the object of blame for not disowning my step family, even my step siblings, for my mothers state of being since we have unearthed unquestionable evidence of my stepmother's infidelity and inexcusable acts. I cannot bring myself to cut off my relationship with the children at the very least, and for that I have suffered immense accusations and guilt trips.

After a year of trying to heal my mother and failing, I am out of energy. I should add that during all of this, I have had very damaging relationship experiences. Right after my mother and father split, my boyfriend of three years left me for someone he had known for a week. I was nothing short of a perfect girlfriend to him, and it is only now that I realize how extremely abusive he was to me.

After he came crawling back and I refused to get back with him, I started a new damaging relationship with someone I been off and on with before him. I really loved him, and basically let him use me whenever he was off with his girlfriend. It is a really hard situation to explain without making him seem like a really huge jerk or me seem like a complete idiot, but just know there is really more to it than I can explain in a paragraph. Long story short, after doing everything I could to get him to love me, I left the situation when I realized it was going nowhere and really damaging me.

That's when I met Daniel. We have an excellent relationship, and he is really everything I could ever ask for. I see myself spending the rest of my life with him. We have never had an unhealthy fight. Serious talks, but not unhealthy. Because he moved to this city unprepared and made some initial mistakes, he ended up having to move in with my mother and I. This has actually benefited me in many ways. I have realize that healthy relationships are in fact possible, and he has acted as a buffer between me and my mother's extreme behavior.

Addiction is also a factor in this story. Because of my home situation, I had to put myself on antidepressants just to get through every day. When I finally decided I had had enough of them, I tried to get off and had bad withdrawals. I feel absolutely powerless and ashamed that I could not just cope on my own. I am off them now and have no desire to get back on them, but my lingering depression and intense anxiety are a lot to handle by myself. Unfortunately, my friend live far away and I cannot afford counseling, so I have felt very along for a very long time.

We have already been living together for 6 months, and are moving into our own place in the next 30 days. This is the first time I will be out of my parents household. Even though I love him and trust him more than I can express, I am realizing how big of a commitment this really is because of everything that has happened to me. I am downright terrified. This is not an action I take lightly; I am not entering this with the mindset that one of us can just move out and move on. I am determined to make the new place home. The place that I have not had for the better part of a year. Therefore, this is basically as big of a commitment as marriage for me.

I really feel like I am doing the right thing, but this does not stop me from feeling panicked every day. I am trying to get myself out of this very bad situation and start an positive life full of cooking, gardening, and fish keeping. I am feeling really sad about leaving behind a home where I was very happy for a time and also feel torn about leaving my mother. I was up all night worrying about what could possibly go wrong. This is only a fraction of the story, to preserve a positive reputation of my mother, this is basically all I can say. She has had a very hard life, and has not meant to make me feel this way, but I feel that the only way I can move on and thrive is to move out.

I just really need some words of encouragement and advice right now. Feel free to babble. Anything is appreciated :)
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Old 05-08-2013, 12:21 PM   #2 
lilnaugrim
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I am so sorry, I know that might not be what you are searching for but I'm so sorry that you had to go through that situation. I was fortunate myself that my parents' divorce was nothing short of orderly and controlled.

I can say this though, you are one powerful and strong woman, it's not easy to get rid of an addiction and I know you will feel like you never did enough or ashamed that you couldn't get off of them like you wanted. But you did it! You actually pulled through this alive and kicking, it might not feel great right now but in a year or two you're going to look back at this and know that you became stronger through all of it.

All of this, all of this that you've done for your step-siblings and mother is just amazing to me. None of this is easy, especially when you have your own life to live.

I was fourteen when my parents split, my father came up and while I was playing a wedding song for my older brother's up and coming wedding he told me after I was done playing. I couldn't believe it since they had held it together so well for us, the kids. I sat at my piano bench and cried and my father couldn't even gather up enough courage to come hug me, it was my soon to be sister in law and brother that hugged me.

For the following years during my high school I was the one taking care of my little brother, making sure he got to the bus and that he came home. Helping him with his homework and trying to console my mother as well. But both of my parents were off in la-la land, nearly forgetting they had children. By the time I graduated high school they finally realized how poorly we were both doing in school and came in to "rescue" us which did a fat load of good. My brother is still failing classes, he's in his eleventh year now and barely passed, he has to go to summer school once again.

So I've only had a taste of what you would have experienced and in a different way, but I kind of understand. It's always the nicest people who have gone through such difficult times because it teaches us to hold our heads up and smile. And that's what I think you need to do while you move in with Daniel.

Keep your ties with the family, each and everyone that you love, it shouldn't matter if someone doesn't like a particular person anymore, it's not their life and they don't have control over who YOU want or can love. I'm sure it hurts but you need family and you need friends to really live, at least in my very humble opinion. I wouldn't be here without my friends who talked me down from suicide or my little brother who occasionally would buy me a soda when I was bringing him into school everyday and he found some change on a sidewalk.

It hurts now and it's scary to do new things but it's going to pay off in the end I promise you. Do what your heart tells you to do, not your head :)
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Old 05-08-2013, 12:30 PM   #3 
bniebetta
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Thank you... it means more than you know that you actually read my post :')
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Old 05-08-2013, 01:09 PM   #4 
lilnaugrim
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You are most welcome, and of course we'll always be here for you, we are a community but much more than that we are family :) And yes, I did actually read the entire post lol because I'm crazy like that ^^

<3's to you!
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Old 05-08-2013, 01:19 PM   #5 
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Eventually your mom has to pick up the pieces, and unless she wants to help herself, there isn't anything you can do to "fix" her. Been there, done that. :-/

Your former step-mom's kids are still family to you, I don't see any reason to stop talking to them, you were all a family, and those bonds don't wash away because a relationship dissolves.

You can do anything that you put your mind to, don't forget that! I'm wishing you all the best with your move, and your healthy relationship! Those bad ones put us throught the wringer.
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Old 05-08-2013, 01:53 PM   #6 
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I'm so sorry to hear what you've been going through. That's quite a journey. I think it's wonderful that you've found Daniel, someone who is supportive of you. I can understand it being scary to think of moving in with him....especially having witnessed the breakdown of two key relationships in your life (your mother and father; your mother and step-mother). You are obviously a very brave young woman....and I'm sure you will be brave enough to move forward in your life (separate from your mom) and brave enough to end or at least limit relationships that turn toxic (whether that's a boyfriend or friend or family member).

I'm in a similar situation with my mom. I moved "back home" a few years ago with my kids after my relationship with their dad ended. And, let's just say it's not a very healthy dynamic a lot of the time. But, I can't be responsible for how she lives....she's an adult. I mean, she's my mom....and I do what I can.....BUT, my primary responsibility is myself and my children. Sometimes you just have to step back and let people take over being responsible for themselves. Sometimes by trying to help you end up holding someone back or enabling them to stay the same, limiting their ability to face what they need to and move forward (not saying that's the case with you, just something to think about).

And, just so you know....having depression is not something to feel ashamed of. Taking medication for it is not something to be ashamed of. There are so very many people out there who have depression and limit themselves so much because they won't admit they have it and won't get help. So, if you are truly doing better and no longer need medication, then that's great! But, don't feel bad for accepting help if you need it. And I know whereof I speak....because I have chronic depression and tried for most of my life to do without medication....I've been on meds for 9 years now and wouldn't go back; the difference for me is night and day.

Anyway, please feel free to PM me if you want to talk....I'm a great listener and I think I can understand at least some of what you're going through. :)
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Old 05-08-2013, 02:12 PM   #7 
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Hi bniebetta,

So, I'm not very good with words, but I would like to say that I think you are very brave for coming on here and opening about your personal experiences. It is not an easy thing to do and I really admire and respect you for that. Don't let your family history, your past addiction, or your depression break you. Being able to talk about it already shows how much courage and strength you have. Chin up. You got this. >:D

I cannot say I can relate to everything you've been through, but lilnaugrim is right. This is a community, and as a community, we support our own. If you ever are having a bad day or need anything at all, feel free to hit me up a PM.
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Old 05-08-2013, 02:32 PM   #8 
bniebetta
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Thanks everyone... it really does mean so much. I am so close to getting things straightened out, and I knew I could come here. Everyone on the forum really does feel like family to me. I have been wanting to vent/get some support here for a while but I wasn't sure how it would be received or how to say it, so I waited. After all the anxiety last night, I decided it would be better to take a chance and open up to people that might understand rather than hold it all in and let it keep crushing me. I really appreciate all the kind words and support. :"D

An you are all right. I can't fix her and I really need to take this chance and at least see how it goes. It could get better, it could get worse. But it is for sure not going to get better if I stay in the situation I am right now.

<3
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Old 05-08-2013, 02:44 PM   #9 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bniebetta View Post
Thanks everyone... it really does mean so much. I am so close to getting things straightened out, and I knew I could come here. Everyone on the forum really does feel like family to me. I have been wanting to vent/get some support here for a while but I wasn't sure how it would be received or how to say it, so I waited. After all the anxiety last night, I decided it would be better to take a chance and open up to people that might understand rather than hold it all in and let it keep crushing me. I really appreciate all the kind words and support. :"D

An you are all right. I can't fix her and I really need to take this chance and at least see how it goes. It could get better, it could get worse. But it is for sure not going to get better if I stay in the situation I am right now.

<3
Let us know how it goes! :) Feel free to vent to us anytime...sometimes it helps so much just to open up and feel understood.

((hugs))
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Old 05-08-2013, 02:51 PM   #10 
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Everythig Catw0man said. Keep us updated. We're all here for you. <3
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