It's smaller than an actual ten gallon tank, and if I split it they wouldn't have much room. I also tend to give my fish as much space as I can, so I feel more confident that they're happy and have plenty of room to swim around.
Yea, I understand that not everyone has the ability (or sometimes desire) to have lots of space for their pets. I'm just really obsessive about feeling like I'm doing my best, which some people see as being over the top. It also makes me way less anxious about water quality, since whenever I have a hospital tank going and I miss one day of cleaning, I panic. Haha. Good for you for planning on upgrading!
Well, as per usual my day has totally sucked. This morning my daughter was constantly yelling (a new thing she's started doing, even when she isn't upset she'll just yell), squirming around whenever I'd try to hold her, and was pretty much being a butthead until my brother came to get her. As of last week, my brother was supposed to start coming two hours earlier, but that hasn't happened once. I totally understand he has his own kids and things to do, but we made it really clear how important it is that he comes as soon as possible. Yesterday I found out my husband STILL hasn't taken our marriage certificate to his HR office, which means I'm not on his insurance yet and can't see a doctor. I really don't expect people to always do what I want them to do (I mean really, it rarely happens) but when it comes to something that affects not only my health but my daughter's, I figured things would have gotten done by now. Over the past month, I've given two major "cries for help", with one being mostly responded to and the other pretty much completely ignored. I have been pushing through the days since this started months ago, and using every ounce of energy I had to do my best for my child. But you know, everyone runs out of gas eventually, and I've been running on empty for quite some time now. Last week I told everyone I had absolutely reached my limit, and I simply couldn't handle things anymore (if you've ever had severe depression you know what I'm talking about) and yet not a single thing has changed. Everyone tells you to ask for help when you're struggling with a mental illness, but what happens when you do and nothing results from it? You're just expected to keep going through each day doing what you've been doing and have everything be fine. Well you know what? I'm not fine. I haven't really been "fine" in eight years, but right now I'm REALLY not fine. I just want to leave. Just get up, grab a few things, and walk right out the door and not come back. But I can't, because I have a kid, and she's my responsibility regardless of how completely screwed up I am. I feel like I don't deserve her one bit. She should have a mom who is so happy to have her, enjoys taking care of her, and can give her endless amounts of love. I, frankly, am tapped out. This morning I completely shut down emotionally, and just went through the motions to keep myself going until my brother got here. My daughter shouldn't have to deal with someone like that. Feeling like I am a bad mom just adds to my depression, and that just makes it harder to take care of her. The vicious cycle continues. Where does it end? I either get help, or I don't. I guess we'll see which way it goes.
The hits just keep on coming... My husband took our marriage certificate into his HR office, and found out that we just missed the deadline to add me to his insurance. The next open enrollment time is November, and my coverage wouldn't start until January. We can't afford to pay out of pocket for a personal insurance plan or doctors visits, so I have no idea what's going to happen. On top of that, we are getting rid of our daughter's swing in order to have her sleep in a crib, so naturally I only got three hours of sleep last night. And this morning absolutely nothing is making her happy for more than five minutes, and she is spending the rest of the time screaming as loud as she can. Yes she is fed, changed, etc. I am so tired of being mad at her all the time. I do my absolute best to be patient, but with no sleep, extreme stress, and severe depression, I just can't handle it. I don't know what to do anymore.
Your daughter is beautiful! Babies are pure emotion, and as such they are very in-tune with those around them. I'm guessing that she senses you have been sad lately, and simply wishes that you feel better. Though she's not helping. She doesn't mean to be a burden on you. :)
I hear you about the health care. I really hope you can still get your medication. We have it the same way. Yea, "free health care." We can go see a doctor for free, but we can't afford any medicine he prescribes because we have no coverage. :(
If you get a moment, maybe try and get outside with your dog and breathe a bit. I know it's hard to leave home at times. Don't know about you, but I'm prone to random crying fits which would always make it way too awkward for me to try and leave home. Going some place private is really great for me, no one notices me crying and I have all the time in the world. A quiet woodland is a great place to go. Privacy (and phytoncides!!!!). Home is nice but sometimes it just makes you feel even more trapped, seeing things and being reminded of your day to day life.
(I'm avoiding saying things like "you should.." don't want you to feel pressured, these are all just ideas I'm throwing up in the air. :) )
Thank you. :) And yea, I know the root cause of her issues is probably my own issues. Her doctor thought so too. That's part of the reason why I get frustrated, because I blame myself for her being fussy, and get mad because I can't just relax and be patient with her.
Insurance sucks. Everyone needs to be able to go see a doctor and get what they need to be healthy, mentally or physically.
I take him to the bathroom at night every day now, because I feel like that's my own little "break" during the day. Honestly, I can cry in front of anyone. :P I used to care, but I got to the point where I had so many breakdowns at school I couldn't hide it even if I wanted to. I agree, I do feel trapped at home. Especially since all three of us live in a one bedroom apartment. It's so cramped, and only gets more so as our daughter accumulates more things for keeping her entertained.
And don't worry, I'm used to being bossed around, so suggestions (no matter how forceful) don't faze me a bit. :)
So my daughter went swimming for the first time yesterday. She did way better than any of us expected, so it was pretty fun to watch. My brother had her in the water, and I took video. That was the good part of yesterday. The rest of it, she was having completely hysterical fits for no reason at all. Nothing I did helped. Feeding her, changing her, holding her, putting her down, trying to get her to sleep, giving her a binky, playing with her toys, etc. So needless to say, I was having a pretty rough day, especially since I got so little sleep.
Today has been ok so far. She hasn't been terrible, but is still being a little fuss butt. Besides taking care of her, I've been watching The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker speedrun on YouTube. Yea, dorky, I know. I just find speedruns fascinating, even though the people doing the runs far surpass me in skill and do things I could never do. Heck, Wind Waker is the only Zelda game I've been able to beat without any help. :P I love these games so much, but I am TERRIBLE at them. I have spent so many hours playing them, and yet I am pretty much as awful as I was when I started. I guess I shall continue to live vicariously through people who actually know what they're doing.
Now the topic of debate for this weekend (which starts today, since my husband finally has Friday off this week) is whether or not to get a new Betta, and if so which one to get. We'll probably go down to the store tomorrow or something, and I'll see if they are both still there. If only one is there that will make my decision much easier obviously. But I still don't know if we'll be moving my husband's Betta to a ten gallon, and whether or not I get a new one depends on that. Me and my husband are both really bad with making decisions, so we'll see if we even figure anything out. Haha.
Sorry I don't know you better, but if I may say a few things. If anything happens in the meantime healthywise, hospitals have charitable discounts which can be applied for. These programs are available to assist those without insurance who needed medical assistance but cannot afford the full payment. Paperwork is a bit tedious, but it's always worthwhile to pursue such avenues if you absolutely need medical assistance.
Money (and insurance) should not be a factor if there is a notable medical emergency. I have chronic vertigo, and a hormonal imbalance, but I haven't had insurance for six years, so I understand the plight of no insurance.
As to the sleep deprivation (and depression), when your emotions bottom out, or spike, there is a point where you can internally see where your behavior is going askew. That point is where you have to snag on and ignore what you want to do/feel.
Telling people to get over depression/bad emotions isn't the answer, and that's not what I am saying. I'm very familiar with depression and emotional issues (sleep deprivation, etc), so this comes from experience. When you're feeling your emotions (maddness caused lack of sleep), you have to try and swing your mood in the opposite direction. There's moments where we sometimes self-feed these emotions because we feel victim to them.
Recognizing those signs when things begin to get worse/roil, is the time when you can make a difference in how you feel. You won't feel better, but it can help from declining your emotions further than they already are.
I hope that made sense, -_____-
Bah. Anyway. When things do start to worse, condition yourself to do something positive (off setting to how you feel), like watching speed runs of Zelda.
Which, by the way, if you like Mario there are some pretty awesome speed runs of original Mario games out there.
Anywho. Hope that makes sense. :s I can be so confusing at times so I apologize if I offend.
Just remember: there is always a hero of time to save the day, ^.^