I just hate everything right now... I don't even know where to start...
One thing I HATE is when people see I'm upset but don't leave me alone when I say I don't want to talk about it. My mom came into my room when I was crying, and the INSTANT she opened her mouth she was confrontational. "Oh, what are we boo-hooing about", in a condescending tone. Then, because I was under the covers, she snapped at me to get the covers away from my head. I told her I didn't want to talk about it. She was already being nasty and confrontational and I didn't want to deal with her. But then she snapped, "Well I DO want to talk about it".
I HATE HATE HATE that! First, if she really wanted to hear why I was upset and if she actually CARED she wouldn't have been so nasty in the beginning. And I HATE people REFUSING to leave me alone until I talk about something I don't want to. And I flat out TOLD her that talking would just make it worse. She STILL refused to leave. But, you know what? MAYBE if she had listened and left me alone I might have thought about opening up to her later. But if she ALREADY wasn't listening to me, what reason did I have to believe she'd listen to anything else I had to say?
Well, I told her. What happens? Everything explodes. She yells at me about my room, she yells at me for not liking my sister's boyfriend, she yells at me for not spending more time thinking about what major to switch to (WHEN I DON'T WANT TO SWITCH MAJORS! SHE'S THE ONE WHO WANTS THAT), and she even yells at me for going to work on time despite the fact that my room isn't exactly the way she wants it to be. She phrased it like, "Well, you have NO problem getting to your lessons on time", but I'M A TEACHER! THOSE LESSONS ARE MY JOB! Then she yelled at me for spending so much time working on establishing a voice group class at the store I teach out of, but THAT WILL BE MORE INCOME! And you know what? If we get this summer program going and I only get SIX KIDS in each of the classes, that works out to be more than TWO GRAND, and that's just for a one month long camp program! Literally, I'd be teaching these classes for TOTAL an hour and a half per day over the course of one month. Not bad pay, if you ask me, especially for a college student.
And then when she finishes her spiel about the million things wrong with me, she goes to individual things. AGAIN she yells at me for not telling her about what I'm writing even though I've basically STOPPED writing just so she'd stop asking about it. The last time I showed her writing was around seven or eight years ago. She laughed until I started crying and then started yelling at me for getting upset. She ranted at me about things that happened almost a year ago.
And then we get back to the root of the subject: I feel displaced by my sister's boyfriend.
And all of this yelling about me is supposed to make me feel loved?
Right. Because I get yelled at for being irritated that he's ALWAYS in the house. Literally, I'll be out of the house for hours trying to avoid him. He and my sister are together before I leave and they're together after I get back. Every time I see his stupid car still in the driveway I want to slash the tires. But both my parents yell at me for not liking the amount of time he's around. My sister blows me off ALL THE TIME for him. Nine out of ten times I ask her to do something, she'll change her mind because she either wants to do something with him or is tired of being out because she was out all day with him. If we're doing something with friends, she wants to bring him along.
Which brings me to another point. APPARENTLY if I make plans with friends and invite my sister I AUTOMATICALLY extend an invitation to him, too, because I'm NOT ALLOWED to specify I'd rather him not go. Instead, if he decides to go and I don't want to be with him, I should be the one to not go. Yeah, that REALLY makes me feel like he isn't taking my place. And, for the record, last time I SAID he could go, but then I'd stay home (even though I MADE THE PLANS), and my sister started yelling at me about how that was ridiculous. But, that time I didn't want him there because it would be the first time I was seeing one of my friends after hearing about school. I knew she would end up asking me what was going on with school and I didn't want to talk about it in front of him because that's MY business and NOT his and he doesn't get to know everything that's going on in my life.
But APPARENTLY, he does. The last time I got upset because of him, my mom told me that APPARENTLY "he was livid when he heard what that school did to you". But at the time I was already so upset that I didn't think to ask her why he knew about it. My sister claims she didn't tell him, so if he DOES know, my mom must have told him. But it's NOT her business to tell ANYONE. It's MINE. Who gets to know what is MY DECISION and NO ONE ELSE'S. Or, it should be.
And they're SO inconsiderate! My mom told my sister to invite him over the DAY after I found out about school. I was an emotional wreck. Did my sister even ask if I was okay? Nope. Because HE was there before I was even dressed. And then my mom went to run errands and because I made it clear he wasn't welcome instead of just asking him to leave my sister went out and bought a card for OUR DAD with HIM, leaving me all alone in an empty house with my thoughts. And later my mom even went so far as to lecture me about how I shouldn't have been upset that he was there, never mind that I was an emotional wreck.
And the day after that? Did my sister bother to ask if I was okay then? Nope. She runs off to do stuff with HIM. I spend the better part of the morning crying my eyes out. Even the waitress where I went for breakfast asked if I was okay. How sad is it that a waitress showed more concern than my own sister?
And yet it's RIDICULOUS and WRONG OF ME and DOWNRIGHT INSULTING AND OFFENSIVE that I say I feel displaced and like people like him better than me.
Oh, and on top of ALL of that, I got a million "I told you so"s over school. But my mom doesn't know ANYTHING about it. She doesn't understand that a BIG part of it was a stupid memory slip and another big part was stupid politics at the college. Out of a beginning class of NINE, they're down to TWO and ONE of the two is on probation. When the percentage of students retained is THAT low, it CLEARLY shows their's something wrong with the program. But my parents don't look at that at all. They just tell me "See! We KNEW you couldn't do it!"
And then my mom accused me of pushing people away. Well, does she really have to WONDER why? If this is the kind of conversation I get from opening up to people, YEAH I'm GOING TO BE GUARDED!
And all I really want is someone to hug me and tell me it's going to be okay. If they really DO care about me more than my sister's boyfriend I want them to SHOW me instead of just TELLING me. Because words aren't going to make me believe it since right now their ACTIONS are telling me otherwise.
Oh! And I'm SO SICK of my mom implying that I'm just a selfish brat. I got, "Well, you know my temper's short because I'm going through menopause and my pain meds aren't working. Not that you care, but..." EXCUSE ME? I drove her to her doctor's visit so she could take her pain medication before the procedure. I drove my grandma to HER doctor's visit because my mom decided she would rather take the dog to the vet than my grandma to the doctor. (No, the dog just COULDN'T wait a few hours...) And she doesn't know it but I LIED for her just so she can go see the same therapist as me. I'm NOT comfortable with it, but I said I was because I got a whole spiel about how much she misses seeing my therapist, who used to treat her.
And then about half an hour after she FINALLY leaves me alone because her nose is bothering her because she's allergic to my cat, she comes back and asks, "Is there anything you want to say to me? I mean, have you thought about anything I said?" Yeah, I'd thought about it. And it just made me angrier and more resentful.
Oh, and to make my WONDERFUL day even more fantastic, I got run off the road by a bus that would have hit me if I didn't pull into the shoulder.