School's starting in a few days. It's finally sinking in that I'm not going back to my old school. I should be happy because I was miserable there, but I'm just absolutely miserable now. I feel like an absolute failure. Logically, I know that there's nothing wrong with going to a community college. I have a friend who also goes there and I don't think any less of her. But I just keep coming up with a list of reasons why going to a community college makes me stupid
. Right now it's my only option. She started going there with the intention to transfer elsewhere eventually. I transferred to
the community school. My sister is at a better school. Even if I do get A's, they'll only
be A's from the local community college and won't mean anything. My mom will still get super excited over my sister's grades and be annoyed at me for not being happy for my sister. The list just goes on and on.
I haven't ordered my textbooks yet in part because it just seems too final. I haven't gone to the campus to find the buildings my classes are going to be in because I don't think I can handle that. And I know it's ridiculous, but I just hate
the idea of going there more than anything. Everything about it just feels wrong
. Two of my classes are basic, 100 level classes where I'll be surrounded by a bunch of freshmen who think they're still in high school. I've been told by faculty and students that a lot of people at this particular college seem to think they're still high school students. I only have four classes. I'm used to taking between 8 and 10. I don't have a single 300 level class--apparently the school doesn't even offer
300 level classes!
The last few times I was on campus to deal with registration stuff, I cringed
every time I saw someone I knew in high school who I thought might recognize me because I just feel so stupid and inadequate
for transferring there. And I've hated every faculty member I've come into contact with so far. And no amount of good grades are going to matter
, just like they didn't matter at my old school! As far as my parents were concerned, A's and B's at my old school were just
A's and B's in music classes. My sister's good grades were in real
classes. And now it's going to be just the same except now it's just
good grades at a community school.
I'm going completely out of my mind. And when I tried talking to my dad about it he just didn't get it! First he thought I was stressing because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to handle the classes. Then he tried telling me that I needed to think about what I
thought of my classes instead of what my mom thinks. But I just can't do that
. I can't make it stop hurting when my whole family goes gaga
over everything my sister does and then acts like what I do doesn't matter. And he does it, too, even though he likes to act like he doesn't.
And my mom's latest and greatest line? "You have to be happy for your sister and celebrate her successes even though you aren't having any. You're at a dry point in your life right now and she isn't. Doesn't mean you shouldn't be happy for her."
I'm just going absolutely insane and I don't see it getting any better in the foreseeable future.