I'm so sorry Drift. <:[ I know how you feel. I have a best friend; known the woman for 6 YEARS. Since my freshman year in High School. We used to be thick as thieves and now she doesn't even talk to me. I hadn't heard from her in a MONTH. She usually gives someone the cold shoulder when she's done with them so I thought she'd had it with me and wanted out. I go to message her about our terminated friendship on facebook and I find she messaged me and said we're still ok (I'd messaged her asking if I'd upset things or something). >:/ I swear! It's been like this THE ENTIRE SEMESTER AND SINCE SUMMER!!!!!!! AUGH! I'm not sure if we're really friends anymore or if I'm just someone she can talk to when she's fed up with her family. It drives me insane sometimes but I love her! She's like blood kin to me now! *headdesk* Uhg.
I understand that she's busy. Her family was really sick and they're healing. But she gets on Gaia for Lord's sake! She can answer when I bombard her phone for hours on end and she can darn well get on her facebook! >:[
IN OTHER NEWS:
WHY ARE GROCERIES SO EXPENSIVE?!?!?!?!?! I spent over a hundred!!!!! AUGH!!!!
And on that note I'm gonna pack up my laptop, go back to my apartment, and make some unhealthy Velveeta Mac 'n' cheese. XD
Rant: OMG I FORGOT TO GET A STINKIN HEATER AT PETCO YESTERDAY!!! urgh!!! So now I have to pull out my divider again and separate the sorority for Casanova (who doesn't freak out and flare around females) so that I can move my new fish into Casanova's tank which has a heater. AND IT'S LIKE 10:30 AT NIGHT! urgh!!! (right now, I'm testing the divider by letting it sit and make sure no girls can get through. From experience, testing with fingers is never enough!! :'(
Today I got my report card!!! :D B+, A-, A , A SOO HAPPY! (science is really hard for me this year, so I consider the b+ an accomplishment)
Holidays are the hardest for me lately. I keep remembering everything I did with my dad, and I keep wanting to cry, but I can't. I really miss him. Sometimes I think of him directly and it's like being punched in the gut. Most of the time I avoid thinking about him at all, and somehow that makes it worse. The other day I told my friend something about what my dad used to say and she said, "I wish I could've met your dad" while laughing... for some reason I got really mad. I don't know. I guess enough time hasn't passed yet. I know she didn't mean it in any bad way at all, but all I could think was, "Yeah, I wish you could've too."
I miss him so much sometimes. And now my parents just call his house "The Carter Lake house"... I don't know if they say that to make it easier for me, but it feels like they're trying to forget him, and that makes me mad, too. I want them to call it, "Your Dad's house", or "Dennis' house". Anything but the distant "Carter Lake House". A lot of the time I feel like just me and my brother remember, and I can't really talk to him about it since he lives so far away, and it's just awkward to talk about this stuff over the phone. I can't really talk to anyone about it, since I'm a really closed up person. I really wish I had SOMEONE to talk to. Sometimes I think having a therapist might be nice, to just rant to someone who can't judge you.
I really think this Christmas is going to be extremely hard. I remember setting up the tree (he only ever had white tinsel, white lights, and beautiful red bulbs. It wasn't the decorated tree ever, but it was always beautiful. And I think ... I think there was a train that used to go around the bottom, but I can't really remember.)
That's also really hard. I'm forgetting about him. I can't remember what he laughed like anymore. I can only remember his voice when I think about things he always said, like, "Hey kiddo!", or "Hey brat!" Not even my name. I can't remember how he used to say my name.
One thing'll always stick with me, though, is at his funeral my Grandpa told me something I wish he hadn't. I won't say it because honestly, it's not something anyone really wants to think about.
Oh, and his friend told me something, too, that I'll never forget. Told me about how the week before he'd been excited to see a movie with me. Couldn't stop talking about it, she said. It was Spring Break week and I was supposed to go see a kids movie with him, since I only ever saw them and spoof movies with him. I think she meant to comfort me, but it only made it harder.
Eh. Sorry. That was depressing. But I felt like I needed to get it off my chest. I can't tell any of my real-life friends, and I know you guys will understand. I could keep going on and on with this, but I'll let it die.
I'm sorry to hear about that CodeRed. I can't really relate and I can't imagine the pain, but I hope things will get better for you for the holidays. It may seem awkward at first to talk to your brother over the phone, but maybe he feels the same, too.
CodeRed, I think what you're feeling is normal grief. I think it would benefit you to see a therapist. Don't keep things inside. Keeping things bottled up only makes things worse. Have you ever talked to your mom about how you feel or is she hard to talk to about your Dad? I think when we lose a loved one we always worry rhat we'll forget them. I don't think you'll ever forget your Dad. It sounds like you two had a great relationship. Just because we lose a loved one doesn't mean we lose our love for them. Any time you need to rant or get something off your chest or you're feeling down, you can always pm me. I'm here for you. :)
Thanks you two (: I'm feeling much better today, I wrote a letter last night to my dad and it really helped. I think I was just extremely stressed from finals week and everything was just going crazy. My mom was in a bad mood, and she and my stepdad got into a fight, and everything was just... o__o;
But thanks again everyone. I'm going to try talking to my mom about some of these things...
I'm so sorry Code Red. <=[ *hugs* I don't know exactly how it feels because loosing a grandparent is way different than losing a Parent, but I thought I'd say that holidays do get better after a few years.
I advise talking with a therapist as well, holding things in is really damaging. I can't remember what level of school you're in but I advise talking with a Guidance counselor or if you're in college going to the Psych Services Department. <3
I hope that you can find someone to talk things out with. <3
Also don't worry about forgetting. <3 There will always be a few things you'll never forget. <3 Keeping lots of photos around helps me personally because I find it jogs my memory, if it does make my heart ache sometimes. :/
I think writing a letter to your dad was a great idea. Journaling about your feelings can help, too. It can be kept private so only you can read it. Also, if you're really angry at someone, you can write about that then tear it up or burn it or whatever.I was really angry at someone who said something nasty about me once and I wrote them a letter and really told them off good! lol Then I tore it up.I'm glad you're feeling better today.