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Old 02-03-2013, 09:03 PM   #16411 
dramaqueen
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Originally Posted by Fenghuang View Post
I don't want to bother anyone, but I just need to lay my thoughts out somewhere...

I cannot shake my depression. I can't shake the constant suffocating thoughts telling me I'm nothing, that I will always be a failure, that I will never amount to anything, that no one would care if I was no longer here. It doesn't matter that I have good grades or that I have been accepted by one of the most presitigious universities in this country. I feel pathetic, worthless, paranoid, anxious, and oh so terribly lonely. I do not really have friends; people in general scare me. My family make it worse, they treat me like an embarrassment and make me feel like I should be ashamed of myself. The only person that makes me even remotely okay is currently over a thousand miles away. On most days, I don't even want to get out of bed. I am so afraid I will never be happy. I don't want to live like this. I can barely function because of my anxiety and my stupid moods. My entire existence seems so pointless.
I'm so sorry you feel the way you do. Have you ever thought about seeing a therapist? You ARE a worthwhile person and you don't need to feel ashamed of yourself! I'm glad you're talking about your feelings. Holding things in just makes things worse IMO.
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Old 02-03-2013, 09:10 PM   #16412 
Hadoken Kitty
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Originally Posted by Fenghuang View Post
I don't want to bother anyone, but I just need to lay my thoughts out somewhere...

I cannot shake my depression. I can't shake the constant suffocating thoughts telling me I'm nothing, that I will always be a failure, that I will never amount to anything, that no one would care if I was no longer here. It doesn't matter that I have good grades or that I have been accepted by one of the most presitigious universities in this country. I feel pathetic, worthless, paranoid, anxious, and oh so terribly lonely. I do not really have friends; people in general scare me. My family make it worse, they treat me like an embarrassment and make me feel like I should be ashamed of myself. The only person that makes me even remotely okay is currently over a thousand miles away. On most days, I don't even want to get out of bed. I am so afraid I will never be happy. I don't want to live like this. I can barely function because of my anxiety and my stupid moods. My entire existence seems so pointless.

Depression is such a difficult thing to deal with. I completely understand. If anyone was to say that it isn't suffering, they would be completely ignorant. Dramaqueen is right in everything that she is saying. Have you tried talking to a therapist? Talking to someone is usually helpful, but professionals are there for a reason, trust me. I hope that you get to feeling better soon...depression is a battle that some people deal with. Those of us who fight it, though, usually come out stronger in the end. (:
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Old 02-03-2013, 09:50 PM   #16413 
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Therapy is not something I am privileged to at this current time, as I am still in high school and dependent on my parents who rather pretend to be ignorant. But thank you for listening. I really appreciate that. And needed that.
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Old 02-03-2013, 09:53 PM   #16414 
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Therapy is not something I am privileged to at this current time, as I am still in high school and dependent on my parents who rather pretend to be ignorant. But thank you for listening. I really appreciate that. And needed that.
Ofcourse! PM me any time if you need someone to talk to. (:
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Old 02-04-2013, 12:34 AM   #16415 
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@Fenghuang, you're also welcome to PM me too, if you need another person to talk to.


Having been diagnosed with clinical depression at age 13 and battling it since then, I might have some pointers, though you may find them irrelevant to your circumstances. Still, the offer's there. Depression isn't always permanent, and it does make you stronger! It's unfortunate that you don't have access to therapy, it can really help if you find the right therapist for you, but at least we can lend an ear. You are not alone.



Rant: I came out as gender-fluid in the middle of last year, and many of my nearest and dearest still either ignore it, or laugh at it. I think it's because I'd hidden it for so long. It doesn't particularly bother me when I'm referred to as female on a "male day" but it does bother me when I'm excluded from gender-specific events without being asked what I'm identifying as lately. I do understand it's a very confusing concept to grasp (it's a very confusing thing to be!) but a little effort would go a long, long way. Transgendered friends of mine who are pre-op are referred to by the way they identify, I don't understand why a gender-fluid person doesn't deserve the same courtesy, especially in the community I'm a part of, a community that labels itself as very open-minded and accepting of all orientations and identities.

They don't seem to get that I have always been this way, for as long as I can remember, but never had the courage to tell anyone for fear of being ridiculed or ignored. And of course, that's exactly what's happened when I had finally had enough and just wanted to be me around the people I love.

It's really been getting me down sometimes, especially when I feel like I'm trapped in the wrong body, or if I'm finding the whole thing particularly confusing. I know I am not trans, as I have very feminine days, very masculine days, and neutral days where I feel like something in-between. Binary gender norms don't fit, and I often feel like I'm a circular peg, but I only have the option of trying to force myself into a triangular hole, or a square one, and there isn't one to fit my shape. Does that make any sense?

Anti-rant, related to rant: It was absolutely heartwarming the other day when my partner and I went to get some new piercings. The people who run the piercing shop who are new friends of ours, and are older members of the community we're a part of, actually pulled me aside and asked me what I was identifying as that day, if there were any visual indicators they can follow on any particular day, what I prefer to be referred to as, and if it bothers me if they refer to me as only female if I'm getting a body part pierced that is distinctly female, regardless of what I'm identifying as on the day. I haven't known those people very long, but it was so touching that they actually bothered to ask me those things. No one, except my partner, has ever cared enough to ask me those questions, and when they did, it definitely gave me the warm and fuzzies.

EDIT: I'm a bit scared that sharing this with you guys will change the opinion of anyone who's actually formed an opinion of me for the negative. I thought about editing/deleting the whole thing, but hoped that this forum would be just as welcoming as before, regardless of this admission. >.<

Last edited by Sparrowhawk; 02-04-2013 at 12:39 AM.
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Old 02-04-2013, 01:32 AM   #16416 
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Full support from me, Sparrowhawk. :) (Also, hi guys, Bomba's back!) Is it wrong that I find the whole concept of gender fluidity really fascinating? Not as something that I am personally, but something that I would love to know more about - how people feel and why they feel that way.

Fenghuang: is there a counsellor at your school that you could see? :) Hugs from Australia!
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Old 02-04-2013, 03:16 AM   #16417 
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Full support here as well, Sparrowhawk. It'd be cool to know how/when you're identifying as. So as to not offend you in any way.

People are more than an orientation, so I really never understood why people judged another person based on that alone.
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Old 02-04-2013, 04:23 AM   #16418 
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Full support from me, Sparrowhawk. :) (Also, hi guys, Bomba's back!) Is it wrong that I find the whole concept of gender fluidity really fascinating? Not as something that I am personally, but something that I would love to know more about - how people feel and why they feel that way.
Thank you. ^.^ It's a really strange concept, even to me, and it's hard to explain how/why, it's just something that happens. All that can really be explained is that some days you feel male/female/neutral, or something in between any of those, and that's that. And sometimes it's frustrating to not be able to "just pick one", because even when I did genuinely try to stick to my anatomical gender, it just didn't feel right, if that makes sense. And being forced to be hyper-feminine throughout childhood and my teens by a grandparent while all I wanted to do was be Luke Skywalker was difficult, though my mum really did accomodate me even though I never got to tell her about my gender fluidity (she passed away when I was 17, and I only told a soul at age 23).

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hadoken Kitty View Post
Full support here as well, Sparrowhawk. It'd be cool to know how/when you're identifying as. So as to not offend you in any way.

People are more than an orientation, so I really never understood why people judged another person based on that alone.
Thank you! I really don't get offended by being called "he" or "she" when I'm the opposite, it doesn't really matter that much to me, because sometimes both just feel awkward. I looked into gender-neutral words for a while, but they all felt weird, so I just don't care anymore, hehe. It's only when I get excluded from "boys nights" if I'm identifying as male, which is what sparked a bit of a downward spiral mentally the other week. I'd been feeling male for the last couple of weeks, and to have a friend I hold dear only invite my partner and deliberately exclude me from the conversation about dinner with the guys was really hurtful, considering they have a trans man regularly at the night, but because I don't always identify as male, I'm excluded. It's only that that gets me, the "he", "she" etc. don't phase me at all.

But thank you so much for asking, it means a lot to me to have people actually be concerned about it, so thank you!!
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Old 02-04-2013, 06:35 AM   #16419 
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Sparrowhawk: I support you too. Be proud of what ever you want to be. Like Hadoken Kitty said, it's amazingly stupid that people try to put labels on others. As individuals, we don't fit into neat little categories. I am sure your friend did not intentionally mean to hurt you. Some people are uneasy with those that can't "just choose," because it goes against the stereotypes and ideas that they have been exposed to growing up. Maybe you should talk to him about how his actions made you feel? If someone can't respect your wishes, they are undeserving of your friendship or your time.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Bombalurina View Post
Fenghuang: is there a counsellor at your school that you could see? :) Hugs from Australia!
<3

Unfortunately I go to a really large public school and their approach seems to be to just tell my parents and have them deal with it.

Last edited by Fenghuang; 02-04-2013 at 06:38 AM.
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Old 02-04-2013, 07:18 AM   #16420 
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Rant- more money spent on cat because she has her peeing issue again >.>..
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