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Old 10-28-2010, 06:36 PM   #1 
bloo97
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Talking The Case Of The Missing Orca

The Case Of The Missing Orca
The Sea World Adventures.

Chapter 1

“Tim? Tim? Wake up!” His mom said. “I’m getting up,” Tim yelled down. “Hurry! You’ll miss the bus!!” Living in Orlando, Florida, he knew that there were theme parks all around him. But one was his favorite. It was Sea World. Sea World was just around the corner, and Tim loved going there after school. Unfortunately, the 7th grade wasn’t kind to him. He was loaded with homework and tests. But as he walked on the bus and it rolled away, he realized something. He forgot his homework – which was already 3 days late.

Chapter 2
He didn’t have the best technology, but his mom did buy him a DS. He switched it on at about 8:45, and his friend, Chip, was online, too.

Tim: what are you doing chip?

Chipndale: did you do your homework?

Tim: no. I left it at home! :/

Chipndale: Where are u?

Tim: passing ur neighborhood.

Chipndale: oh. I’m at the school, gtg!

Tim: see u.

He switched off his DS, and got off the bus. He walked into his homeroom class, with Mrs. Yearwood. “Alright! Take out your book and read! I don’t want to hear a word from you guys or I will give you a detention!” she yelled. Tim took out his book and read. “Also! I want to see your homework, Tim! Take it out!” she yelled. Tim took a deep breath and gulped.

Chapter 3
The detention room was small, and only had a few desks. A large woman was in there, and she wore glasses, and had freckles all over her body. Her name was Mrs. Bayless. Mrs. Yearwood escorted him into the room. She was an old, scrawny woman, who was the strictest teacher in the whole school. He saw one student, Rick, (The bully), who looked up and gave him the evil eye. Mrs. Yearwood whispered something in Mrs. Bayless’ ear, and gave him another copy of his (Late) homework. “Finish this,” Mrs. Yearwood told him, “and then you may go to your next period.” She walked away, and Tim began. He had to do some reading, math, and Language Arts packets for the state test. He started, but then his eyes became heavy.
He fell asleep.

Chapter 4

“DING! DING! DING! DING!’’ The bell sounded. 4 rings- change classes. But when he looked up, nobody was there. Nobody, except for Mrs. Yearwood. She yelled at him, “You fell asleep?! Why did you fall asleep?!”
“I, I—“
“You what?”
“I… don’t know.”
“Do you know what this means?” Her voice softened, as if she was (finally) settling down.
“Yes. I get an ‘F’”
“That’s right. Come on. It is time for lunch.”
She grabbed him by the arm to lunch, and walked off.
At lunch, he sat next to chip. He was a larger person, and you would almost mistake him for a football player. “So are you going to Sea World after school?” Chip asked. “Yes, but I’m going to stay at the Shamu Stadium.” Tim added. Suddenly, a girl half a foot smaller than Tim, with blue eyes, black hair, walked up. She also wore flip-flops, and wore shorts and an orange T-shirt that said Sea World Orlando. She said, “Oh! I just love Killer Whales!”
“Orcas,” Tim corrected.
“That’s what I meant.” She added. “I’m Charlene. And you are?”
“Tim.”
“Chip.”

Chapter 5

At the end of the day, Tim got on his bike, and went to Sea World. He had his annual pass to Sea World in his backpack at all times, and he was allowed to go to Sea World after school. He walked in, and walked over to the Shamu Stadium. After 3 minutes, Charlene showed up, and greeted Tim. “Hi.” She said.
Tim said hi back and she sat down next to him. Tim noticed that the show was starting, and he saw whales doing flips and jumps. “Wow.” He whispered. As the show ended, they went to the Shamu viewing area. Tim knew something was missing. “Where’s the fourth Orca?” he asked. Charlene said, “I don’t know! Wait, what’s this? A note?”
The note header read, “I have your Orca. Find him by July 14, 2010 or he’s shark meat!”

Chapter 6
“Oh. No.” Charlene said.
“What?” Tim asked.
“Look at this note.”
Tim read it, and said, “Oh my god. Do you know who may have written this?”
“I know who that is! I heard about him on the news! His name is Derek Slaughen!”
“Slaughen?”
“I know. Weird name. He’s a whaler, and somehow he got this whale!”
“How could he get a 1 ton orca past security overnight?”
“I don’t know. He could have done it by helicopter.”
“Come over to my place tonight and we can do more research.” Tim said.
“Got it.”

Chapter 7
When Charlene came over, Tim’s mom greeted her, (She had known she was coming over), and they went into Tim’s room. He turned on his computer, Charlene took off her flip-flops, Tim loaded the internet up, and they typed in the whaler’s name. “There he is!” Charlene pointed out. “It says here that he takes Orca meat and feeds it to sharks!”
“Why would he do that?”
I don’t know. There’s got to be something wrong with him.”
“Should we talk to a trainer?”
“I know one. His name is Jack. He knows every Orca fairly well, and he’s my older brother.”
Tim clicked out of the window, shut down the computer, as Charlene had to leave. He said goodbye, she left. It was 9:45pm and he decided to go to bed. He went to sleep, and dreamed about the orca.

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Old 10-28-2010, 06:36 PM   #2 
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Chapter 8
It was the last day of school, and Tim was happy. After school, Charlene, Chip, and Tim went to Sea World to find out about the orca. Charlene showed the security guard her pass, and they walked into the orca training area. “
“Jack” Charlene said,
“Yeah”
“Have you noticed this missing orca?”
“Yes, but I haven’t told anyone.
“We know who stole him.”
“Who?!” Jack said, it almost sounded as if he was yelling, and a few guests in the grandstands looked over.
“Derek Slaughen”
“Who’s that?”
Tim replied, “He’s a whaler who kills whales and feeds them to sharks. He has a strange profession…” He trailed off. “Do you know anything about the orca?” Charlene asked. “Not much, she was new, but she is pregnant. This is bad…” The situation sounded worse than it really was, because the whale wasn’t long enough into pregnancy to be too worried.
Suddenly, a man wearing a security guard outfit walked up to Tim and Charlene, and put a gun to their chest, and followed them to a van. “You will say nothing about this, or I will kill you,” Hissed a man who was with the fake security guard.
“You won’t say a thing!”

Chapter 9
The van was a small, cold, place with metal everywhere. He could see a little bit out of the window, and that let some light in. They had both been ducked-taped around the feet and the hands. Charlene whispered, “How are we going to get out of here? She started struggling as Tim said, “I don’t know. But something tells me that that knife may help.” He motioned to a small pocket knife over in the corner. The van came to an abrupt stop, and Charlene’s flip flop came off. “Great,” she said. The van door swung open, they took the tape off of them, and they were thrown into a swamp-like marsh. The van quickly drove off.

Chapter 10
Charlene took her other flip-flop off, and stuffed it in her pocket. “Where are we?” she asked. “Somewhere away from civilization,” Tim said. He walked up to her and told her to follow him. “Were lost,” he said. “Duh,” Charlene snapped. They were walking, when suddenly they stepped into a tan colored mud puddle, about the size of a swimming pool. “Were sinking!” Charlene screamed. Tim looked around, and didn’t see a stick or anything to keep him or Charlene from sinking. He lifted up his leg, and noticed that they stopped. Charlene waded over to him, about waist deep in mud. They started sinking again, and Charlene screamed. “This thing has to make up his mind!”

Chapter 11
They finally stopped sinking, chest deep. Charlene grabbed the grass, and tried climbing up, but she slipped. “How are we going to get out of here? It’s getting dark, and if we don’t get out of here before it’s nighttime —“
“Don’t say it!” Tim hissed.
They finally found a vine and climbed it. Since it was getting dark, they had to find a place to sleep before nighttime. They set up shelter and before they knew it they were asleep.
***
“What if we don’t get out of here?” Charlene asked Tim.
“We will. Don’t worry.” He replied back.
They walked away, not as muddy as yesterday, but still had some on them. They decided to hike over south, the direction that the van came. They finally sat down on a fallen tree, and Charlene asked, “So you’re super sure we will get home?” Charlene asked. “Positive,” Tim replied. She wiggled her hand under his, and he squeezed her a little bit tighter. (ß OMG love!)

Chapter 12
They finally came up to a bus, where they both got on. The smelly children got off, but as the bus left, they realized they got off at the wrong stop. They walked through downtown Orlando, and stopped at a lake. The both sat down on the pavement. “So what are we going to do? We have no way of going home, and we are just lost. This went from an Orca hunt to me and you getting stuck in…what was that? A quicksand pit?”
“It’s okay. We can just get on a bus and go home, or get the cops and they will help us.” Tim replied, worried.
“I hope your right.” She sobbed. He gave her a hug, and they walked to the bus stop.
***
Once home, Tim was welcomed to his crying mom and dad, who gave him hugs and let him stay up late. He took a shower, he went to bed, and fell asleep in 2 minutes.

Chapter 13
He met up with Chip, Charlene, and Jack the next day. Charlene told them about what happened to them and then Chip interrupted, “So what are we going to do?”
Jack said, “I found out where the whaler hides. He lives in an old abandon storage building, known as “Orlando Storage.” He bought it, renovated it, and supposedly put a small whale tank in there.”
“Good job,” Tim said, and sniffed due to a runny nose from his weekend ordeal. “So we go to Orlando Storage?” Charlene asked “Yes. We strike at midnight.” Tim added.

Chapter 14
It was midnight, and Tim had snuck out along with Chip and Charlene. Jack didn’t come, because he had work to do. The kids went to the Orlando Storage building, and the lights were on only in 1 window. They snuck in through a window, and walked into the lobby. They all had their DS’s, just in case they were separated. “Creepy,” Chip said. “Beyond that,” Charlene added. As they walked through, they could tell the building was abandon. Tim tried the elevator, but it didn’t turn on. “I guess we take the stairs!” Tim said. They went through the stairs, up until the 6th floor. “Alright,” Tim told everyone. “Chip, you go with Charlene and head to the 9th floor, where the light was on. I’ll go to the roof and check up on the orca. Are we clear?”
“Clear.”
“Check”
“Let’s go.”

Chapter 15
Tim, who seemed to be the leader of the group, was nervous. He didn’t know what to expect. At first, he thought he may find a sick, or worse, a dead orca. He shook those thoughts out of his head. As he was running up the stairs, he heard footfalls below him.
Someone was following him.

***
Charlene and Chip Ran up the second flights of stairs, to the 9th floor, where they heard a man with an English accent talking. “I know, Brian. I know!” He shouted into the phone. “I know we need the money, but I need to fatten up this whale. We can’t sell her as shark meat until she is larger. I’ll give her 2 days. I know. I will talk to you later. Bye.” He hung up the phone, when he walked over to the wall and flicked a switch in the up position. Suddenly, the whole entire building lit up, even the storage sign out front. He said to himself, “I need to kill this whale before the building demolition.” Chip coughed, and Charlene elbowed him. But it was too late.
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Old 10-28-2010, 06:37 PM   #3 
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Chapter 16

Tim heard the footfalls, and was too scared to move. He stood still. Why are you sitting there? He thought. Move it! But it was too late. Someone walked up and almost saw him, but he dove into a trashcan. A tall, thin woman thought she heard something, but then she shrugged and walked on. Tim climbed out of the trashcan, and followed her. She walked into an office, where he heard her putting water in a cup, and sipped it. Then she sat down. Tim walked upstairs, only to find a large pool. He ran over to it, and saw the female orca. “It’s alright, girl. We’ll get you home.” He walked over to a box, opened it up and took out a fish. He fed it to her, and then turned on his DS.
***
Derek walked out of the office and looked around. He saw nothing, and walked up stairs. Charlene and Chip walked out of an office across the hall. Chip switched on his DS, and started typing.

Chipndale: Tim! Derek cuming ur way!

Tim: Yeah, I know. I found the orca, and I’m cuming down.

Chipndale; See u down stairs.

Tim: kay.

Tim hid behind a wall, and Derek walked up to check on the orca. Tim ran down stairs to meet up with the others.


Chapter 17
Once they met up, they looked at their findings. “Do you think we could get a helicopter up there?” Charlene said.
“I don’t know. We should ask Jack, and see if we can get a Sea World helicopter up there.” Tim Replied.
Tim walked with Charlene and Chip into the street.
***
Once home, Tim went into his room. He had to be quiet, or else he might wake his family. He typed some information into his computer, and went on an internet chat. Sure enough, Jack was on.

Jman: Oh, Tim! You’re online! Great. What info did you find?

Tim: I know where the Orca is! She is on the ceiling in a shallow tank. Can we get a helicopter up there?

Jman: I think so. My brother is a pilot. I will ask him. He is on my other internet chat. Hang on.

Tim: Kay, whatevs.

Tim waited for 5 minutes, and then he got a reply.

Jman: He will do it. Tomorrow night at 8:00pm, okay?

Tim: Got it. Well, since its 1:00am, I should get to sleep. Night!

Jman: G’night!

Tim logged off, and fell sleep on his desk.

Chapter 18
Tim had told Charlene and Chip about the helicopter, and at 8:00pm, they snuck out and made it to the “Storage” building,. At the storage building, Charlene, Tim, Jack, and Chip walked in. They went up, and Jack turned on what looked like a CB Radio.
He spoke something in Spanish, and they headed straight for the roof. Once there, a helicopter arrived. A large hammock was thrown down and Jack dove into the small pool. He waved at the helicopter, and as if on cue, Derek dove from the door. “What are you doing with my whale? Let her go!” Tim stood up. “Derek, you are under arrest for illegal possession of a foreign animal!” He screamed over the roar of the helicopter. Derek pulled out a cell phone, and texted something. Then, two men came from the door, one holding a pistol, and another holding a knife. The one with a gun loaded it, and pointed it at Tim.
Then he pulled the trigger.

Chapter 19
Tim dove into the water, and just missed the bullet. The man with the knife came towards Chip and Charlene, but Chip kicked the man in the stomach, and he dropped the knife. Charlene flipped him off the building.
Jack, who was trying to get the harness on the whale, finally succeeded and put the harness on. He waved at the helicopter, and got Charlene, Chip, and him on first. Tim, who tried to get onto the helicopter, but the man with the gun blocked him. Tim noticed the box of fish to his left. The man shot towards him, but missed. One, Tim thought. The man shot towards him and missed again. Two, Tim thought. Tim grabbed the box of fish, and threw it at the man. He fell of the building and into the field below. Tim got on the helicopter. “Three strikes, your out.” Tim laughed.

Chapter 20
Once back at Sea World, the whale was put back into the tank. The other whales swam to him and nudged her. She was home. Everyone hugged.
***
In the days to come, the media was going crazy. Derek was sentenced to life in prison, and the kids (And Jack) were heroes. Awards were given, and even books were written.
2 weeks after Derek’s arrest, the Charlene was over at Tim’s house.
“So what will become of Derek?” Charlene asked. “I don’t care,” Tim replied, “As long as he’s not killing whales, I’m happy.” Tim fell back on his pillow, and closed his eyes. What was done was done. Derek was locked up, and the whale was home. And so was Tim.
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Old 10-28-2010, 07:15 PM   #4 
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Good story!
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Old 10-28-2010, 07:16 PM   #5 
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Thanks!
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Old 10-29-2010, 05:06 PM   #6 
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I love orcas!! Nice story!
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Old 10-29-2010, 08:21 PM   #7 
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Please don't take this the wrong way. I'm in a c.w magnet and we work shop each others writing in class. I cant stand seeing something and being able to give constructive ctritism. So please take this for what it is, not an insult.

The stories' logic is not complete. Why would a whaler steal a well known whale from Sea World? What motive does he have to do that to a whale- a pregnant one in particular? Why cant Derek (Derek Slaughten? I am so tempted to call him Derek Smeath :D ) just find one in the wild? Also- I do not know much about orcas, and I bet the majority of your readers do not know much as well. So it would make it more interesting if you could mix in some actually characteristics, behaviors, or facts about them. Additionally, to my understanding Charlene & Tim only met during lunch that day, and went to sea world together, rode the public bus together, got kidnapped together, went to Chip's house late at night, etc. It would make more sense if they got to know each other a bit more first. Another comment I have on Derek is that, how does the boy know it was Derek that stole the whale? How does he know the whale was stolen in the first place, and not moved or just died? Also, who is Chip? At first I did not even realize Chip & Charlene were different people!
To the end line, I would say the story should have more emphasis on real world details, more details on the story, more elaboration, more research, and a bit more logic. I love the plot, but it should be streched out more and some more time and elaboration between large events. There is also some grammatical issues that need to be attended to.

Woah O.o I wrote a lot- sorry! And I don't want you to take any of this the wrong way. Some positive notes are
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Old 10-30-2010, 09:09 PM   #8 
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Thanks for that. I like the critisism because It helps my writing. This is only my first one EVER so that is my start. xD

But thanks. :)
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Old 10-31-2010, 08:14 PM   #9 
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Its fine - but I got to agree with zeelilaa.... the story was a bit off :3
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Old 11-01-2010, 05:10 PM   #10 
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I think the story was great for a first try.
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