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Old 04-04-2011, 05:59 AM   #1 
Abby
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things that make you LOL...

heres somewhere to post stuff that makes you LOL post and share the laughter.....I will go first.

This I found funny but I'm not posting it to offend anyone.

its called TenjooBerrymuds.

RS= Room Service.........G= Guest

With a little patience after reading this you will be able to understand foreign accents. The following is a telephone exchange between room service and a hotel guest.


RS-"Morrin, Roon Sirbees"
G-"Sorry, I thought I dialed room service"
RS-"Rye, roon sirbees.....Morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen?"
G-"Uh....Yes, I'd like to order bacon & eggs"
RS-"Ow july den?"
G-"...What?"
RS-"Ow july den? Pryed, Boyud, Pooched?"
G-"Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry....Scrambled please"
RS-"Ow july dee baykem? Crease?"
G-"Crisp will be fine"
RS-"Hokay, An sahn toes?"
G-"I...dont think so"
RS-"No?.....judo wan sahn toes?"
G-"I feel really bad about this but i dot know what "judo wan sahn toes" means"
RS-"Toes! Toes! why joo don jusn toes? Ow bow Aglish moppin we bodder?"
G-"Oh english Muffin, I've got it you were saying 'Toast", Yes an english muffin would be fine"
RS-"we bodder?"
G-"No, just put the bodder on the side"
RS-"Wad!??"
G-"I mean butter, just put the butter on the side"
RS-"Copy?"
G-"Excuse me?"
RS-"Copy....Tea....meel?"
G-"Yes coffee please and thats everything"
RS-"One minnie. scramah egg, Crease Baykem, Aglish moppin we bodder on the side and copy...Rye?"
G-"what ever you say"
RS-"Tenjooberrymuds"
G-"You're welcome"


LOL!










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Old 04-04-2011, 06:17 AM   #2 
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The Price Of Children

The Government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with:
$160,140 for a middle income family and that doesnt even touch college funds.
But $160,140 isn't bad once its broken down it translates to:
  • $8,896.66 a year
  • $741.38 a month
  • $171.08 a week
  • Thats a mere $24.24 a day
  • just over $1 an hour

So its saying don't have children if you want to be "Rich" but really its completely opposite
What do you get for your $160,140?

  • Naming rights (first, middle and last)
  • Glimpses of God everyday
  • More love then your heart can hold
  • Butterfly kisses and velcro hugs
  • Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds and warm cookies
  • A hand to hold; usually covered in Jelly or chocolate
  • A partner for blowing bubbles and flying kites
  • Someone to laugh your self silly with no matter what your boss said or how the stocks performed.
For $160,140 you never have to grow up you get to:

  • Finger paint
  • carve pumpkins
  • play hide and seek
  • catch lighting bugs and
  • Never stop believing in Santa clause
You have an excuse to:
  • Keep reading "The Adventures Of Pooh and Piglet"
  • Watch Saturday morning cartoons
  • Go see disney movies
  • wish on stars
  • you get to frame rainbows, hearts and flowers under fridge magnets
  • collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas
  • Handprints in clay for mothersday and backwards letters for fathers day
For $160,140 you get to be a hero for

  • retreiving a frisbee off the roof
  • taking off training wheels
  • removing a splinter
  • filing a wading pool
  • coaxing chewing gum from hair
  • Coaching the baseball team that never wins but is always treated to icecream and pizza regardless.
You get front row seats to history to witness the:

  • first step
  • first word
  • first bra
  • first date and
  • the first time behind the wheel
you get to be immortal, another branch to the family tree, grandkds and great grandkids. you get an education in psychology, nursing,criminal justice, communications and human sexuality that no college can match

in the eyes of a child you rank up there under God, you have the power to heal a boo boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever and love them without limits so one day they will love you without counting the costs.

That's a pretty fair deal.

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Old 04-04-2011, 06:29 AM   #3 
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16 things that took me over 50 years to learn

  1. ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
  2. if you have to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not and will not achieve full potential is "meetings"
  3. there is a very fine line between "Hobby" and "mental illness"
  4. people who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
  5. you should not confuse your career with your life
  6. nobody cares if you cant dance well, just get up and dance
  7. never lick a steak knife
  8. the most destructive force in the universe is gossip
  9. you will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason we observe daylight savings
  10. you should never say anything to a woman that remotely suggest that you think shes pregnant until you can actually see a baby emerging
  11. there comes a time when you should stop expecting people to make a big deal out of your birthday. That time is 11.
  12. the one thing that unties all humans regardless of age, sex, voice and religion, that is we all think we are above average drivers
  13. a person who is nice to you but rude to a waiter is a bad person
  14. your friends love you anyway
  15. never be afraid to try something new, one man built an ark, a group built the Titanic
  16. men are like fine wine, they start as grapes and its up to women to stomp the crap outta them until they turn into something acceptable to dine out with.


Number 3 kinda hits home with Betta bug LOL

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Old 04-04-2011, 06:33 AM   #4 
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the four stages of life:

1. you believe in santa clause
2. you dont believe in santa clause
3. you are santa clause
4. you look like santa clause


At Age 4 Success is not peeing your pants
At Age 12 Success is having friends
At Age 16 Success is having a drivers license
At Age 35 Success is having money
At Age 50 Success is having money
At Age 70 Success is having a drivers license
At Age 75 Success is having friends
At Age 80 Success is not peeing your pants
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Old 04-04-2011, 07:03 AM   #5 
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Why we love children
Nudity
I was driving with my three young children on a warm summers day when a woman in the convertable ahead of us stood up and waved. she was stark naked. as i was reeling in shock I heard my 5 yr old shout out "Mummy that ladys not wearing a seatbelt!"
opinions
on the first day of school a 1st grader handed his teacher a note from his mother: "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents"
ketchup
a woman was trying to get ketchup out of the bottle, during her struggle the phone rang, she asked her 4 yr old daughter to answer it."Mommy cant come to the phone right now shes hitting the bottle"
more nudity
a little boy got lost at the YMCA and found his way into the womens locker room. when he was spotted the room burts into shreiks and ladies scrambling for towels ad running for cover the little boy watched in amazement and said
"Whatsa matter havent you seen a little boy before?"

police #1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school i was interrupted bu a six yr old girl. she looked my uniform up and down and said:
"are you a cop?" I answered "Yes" and continued on with the report.
"my mother said if i ever needed help i should ask the police, is that right?"
"Yes that right" i told her
"well then" she said and extended her foot towards me
"Would you please tie my shoe?"
police #2
It was the end of the day and i parked my police van in front of the station and began gathering my equipment, my K9 partner, Jake, was barking and i saw a little boy staring at me
"Is that a dog you got back there?" He asked
"Sure is" I replied. Puzzled the little boy looked at me the back at the van and finally said
"Whattdid he do?"
the elderly
i use to take my 4 yr old daughter with me to deliver my afternoon rounds of meals to elderly shut ins, she was unfailing intrigued by the various appliances of old age particularly walking canes, walkers and whee chairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As i braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions she turned to me and whispered
"The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
dress up
a little girl watched her parents dress for an evening out. when she saw her dad don a tux she warned "Daddy you shouldnt wear that suit" "and why not darling?" he asked
"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning"
death
A preacher was walking in front of his church when he hears his 5 yr old son and his playmates saying a prayer. apparently on finding a dead robbin they decided to give it a proper burial. they found a box and some cotton and laid the bird in the box closed the lid and placed the box into a hole they had dug, the ministers son was chosen to say the prayer and he did so in a loud voice his version of what he always thought his father said:"Glory be unto the faaather and unto the sonnnnn and into the hole he goes"
school
a little girl had just finished her first week of school "Im just wasting my time" she told her mother "I cant read, i cant write and they wont let me talk"
bible
a little boy opened the family bible he was fascinated as he fingered the old pages suddenly something fell out. he picked it up and saw it to be an old leaf pressed between the pages.
"MAMMA! Look what I found" he called out
"What have you got there dear?" she asked
"I think its Adams underwear" he answered in an astonished voice.
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Old 04-04-2011, 07:10 AM   #6 
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Poem for computer users over 40
a computer was something on tv
from a science fiction show of note
a window was something you hated to clean
and ram was the father of a goat

meg was the name of my girlfriend
a gig was a job for the night
now tey all mean different things
and that really mega bytes

an application was for employment
a program was a tv show
a cursor used profanities
a keyboard was a piano
a memory was something you lost with age
a cd was a bank account
and if you had a 3 inch floppy - you hoped noone found out

compress was something you dd to the garbage
not something you did to a file
and if you unzipped anything in public
you'd be in jail a while

log on was adding wood to the fire
hard drive was a long trip on the road
a mouse pad was where a mouse lived
and a back up was what happened to your commode

cut you did with a pocket knife
paste you did with glue
a web was a spiders home
and a virus was the flu

I guess i'll stick to my pad and pen
and the memory in my head
I hear nobodys been killed in a computer crash
but when it happens they will wish they were dead.


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Old 04-04-2011, 07:12 AM   #7 
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I shall add more, everyone else add some too :)
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Old 04-04-2011, 08:12 AM   #8 
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AND post funny pictures toooo!



Pun anyone?





Dancing Queens:












I came across this on a broken linked google page LOL:


this is G.O.L.D!


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Old 04-04-2011, 08:16 AM   #9 
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oh my i cant edit the swear out im sorry :/
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Old 04-04-2011, 05:35 PM   #10 
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Someone sent this to me. It made me laugh. :D

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed......

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.......

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service
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