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Old 07-20-2011, 12:04 PM   #1 
riese98
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This is where we can write books, poems and songs for people to enjoy, and if you like the song, poem or book say the name of the song, poem or book then say thumbs up.

Chapter 1
It was finally the day, that Jayden has been waiting for weeks, him and his family planed a camping trip to Kansas. Jayden and his dad started packing the truck and camper with food, cloths, fire wood and cooking material. They finally got everything packed and ready to go so they went inside there house and ate some lunch and then started there vacation, at that time Jayden didn’t know that it would be the worst vacation of his life. They left Denver at noon and traveled down to Kansas and then they drove through Kansas City and saw Arrowhead Stadium and and passed by Oak Tower and after that they didn’t see much, cornfields here and there and maybe a small town or two, and then they finally turned into dusty road that went back forty five minutes into the forest. Then they finally got to the ranger station, Jayden’s dad checked in and paid and Jayden and his mom talked about how beautiful the forest was, then Jayden’s dad got back into the truck and drove to the campsite. Jayden looked around there was no other camper here it was like that movie that him and his friend Luke watched together one night, that everyone on earth disappeared. Jayden could tell that his mom was wondering the same thing that he was, so he asked his dad where all the people were and he said, that the rangers said, that they were having a slow week. Then his dad parked the truck and they all hoped out, Jayden and his dad unpacked some wood and started the fire, Jayden’s mom put up some cloths lines and put up a hammock. Before it was time to start cooking Jayden explored around the campsite he saw a couple of hiking trails and toke some pictures of some flowers and on his way back to the campsite he saw a small lake he toke a quit picture of the lake and then kept walking. That night he showed his mom and dad the pictures of the lake and the flowers and then ate his hotdog, but then the wind picked up, so Jayden and his family toke every thing inside the camper where it wouldn’t get wet or blow away. “Weather gets pretty wild here in Kansas,” said Jayden’s dad. Sitting inside the camper Jayden’s family planed what they would do tomorrow while playing some cards, then they all went to bed. The next morning was sunny and cloudless, Jayden woke up early to make a surprise breakfast for his mom and dad, as Jayden cooked the eggs, pancakes and bacon he toke some pictures of some birds he even got a picture of a bald eagle gliding high up in the sky. After they were all done eating the breakfast Jayden prepared, they all went down to the lake that Jayden discovered, Jayden’s mom set up a camp chair and pulled out her favorite book and started reading it, Jayden’s dad set up the fishing poles while Jayden dug for worms, after thirty minutes Jayden fond thirty three worms and his dad had the poles ready to be used. Then Jayden and his dad walked out onto the dock that the rangers had built for fishing, Jayden’s dad dropped his pole into the muddy water first, after about five minutes Jayden’s dad reeled in the first catch of the day, a huge trout. Jayden snapped a couple of pictures and then they through it back into the water. Lunch time came around and Jayden’s mom went back to the camper to prepare some food for the family, while she was gone preparing food, Jayden reeled in a small catfish, his dad clapped and toke some pictures and then Jayden dropped the fish back into the water. Then his mom came back with the food that she prepared, then they all sat down and ate there lunch on the dock. When they were done eating they fished for one more hour and then they picked every thing up and went back to the camper and then they went for a hike.

this book is called (Left Alone) and this is only part of chapter 1 i'll post more when i'm finished righting it, just say thumbs up if you like it.

ok then, it's ok if no one likes it it's just a little part of chapter 1 but if you have any ideas for the book please pm me.

Last edited by dramaqueen; 07-22-2011 at 03:35 PM.
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Old 07-22-2011, 03:48 PM   #2 
riese98
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Chapter 1
It was finally the day, that Jayden has been waiting for weeks, him and his family planed a camping trip to Missouri. Jayden and his dad started packing the truck and camper with food, cloths, fire wood and cooking material. They finally got everything packed and ready to go so they went inside there house and ate some breakfast and then started there vacation, at that time Jayden didn’t know that it would be the worst vacation of his life. They left Lincoln Nebraska at around nine o clock and traveled down to Kansas and then they drove through Kansas City and saw Arrowhead Stadium and and passed by Oak Tower and after that they didn’t see much, cornfields here and there and maybe a small town or two, and then they finally turned into dusty road that went back forty five minutes into the forest. Then they finally got to the ranger station, Jayden’s dad checked in and paid and Jayden and his mom talked about how beautiful the forest was, then Jayden’s dad got back into the truck and drove to the campsite. Jayden looked around there was no other camper here it was like that movie that him and his friend Luke watched together one night, that everyone on earth disappeared. Jayden could tell that his mom was wondering the same thing that he was, so he asked his dad where all the people were and he said, that the rangers said, that they were having a slow week. Then his dad parked the truck at the campsite and they all hoped out, Jayden and his dad unpacked some wood and started the fire, Jayden’s mom put up some cloths lines and a hammock. Before it was time to start cooking Jayden explored around the campsite he saw a couple of hiking trails and toke some pictures of some flowers and on his way back to the campsite he saw a small lake he took a quick picture of the lake and then kept walking. That night while eating his dinner he showed his mom and dad the pictures of the lake and the flowers, but then the wind picked up, so Jayden and his family toke every thing inside the camper where it wouldn’t get wet or blow away. “Weather gets pretty wild here in Missouri,” said Jayden’s dad. Sitting inside the camper Jayden’s family planed what they would do tomorrow while playing some cards, then they all went to bed. The next morning was sunny and cloudless, Jayden woke up early to make a surprise breakfast for his mom and dad, as Jayden cooked the eggs, pancakes and bacon he toke some pictures of some birds he even got a picture of a bald eagle gliding high up in the sky. After they were all done eating the breakfast Jayden prepared, they all went down to the lake that Jayden discovered, Jayden’s mom set up a camp chair and pulled out her favorite book and started reading it, Jayden’s dad set up the fishing poles while Jayden dug for worms, after thirty minutes Jayden fond thirty three worms and his dad had the poles ready to be used. Then Jayden and his dad walked out onto the dock that the rangers had built for fishing, Jayden’s dad dropped his pole into the muddy water first, after about five minutes Jayden’s dad reeled in the first catch of the day, a huge trout. Jayden snapped a couple of pictures and then they through it back into the water. Lunch time came around and Jayden’s mom went back to the camper to prepare some food for the family, while she was gone preparing food, Jayden reeled in a small catfish, his dad clapped and toke some pictures and then Jayden dropped the fish back into the water. Then his mom came back with the food that she prepared, then they all sat down and ate there lunch on the dock. When they were done eating they fished for one more hour and watched the sun glitter on then they picked every thing up and went back to the camper and then they went for a hike. They choose a trail named Big Bear, it was covered with small yellow and blue flowers, Jayden’s mom stopped every now and then to pick flowers and put them in her hair, every time his mom stopped Jayden and his dad would stop to take a picture and get a drink of water. Suddenly the trail was on the edge of a cliff, Jayden peeked over the cliff it wasn’t a big cliff it probably went down twenty five feet, but his mom still didn’t want Jayden to even get close to the cliff, but his dad wasn’t very worried about it, he would throw rocks down the cliff and watch them bounce down it and take other rocks with them, and then the trail took a turn it went back into the forest away form the cliff. Then saw a sign that read, GET YOUR CAMREAS READY, “I wonder why it said to get out are cameras ready,” said Jayden’s mom. “Maybe the trail got the name Big Bear because there’s a lot of bears on it,” said Jayden, his parents nodded in agreement, “maybe we need to be more quit so we don’t scare anything,” said Jayden’s dad, Jayden and his mom nodded in agreement. They walked slowly and carefully, they all looked around trying to see what the sign said. “Well maybe it’s just to make us keep walking,” whispered Jayden, then the trail went down a small hill that went down to a open area with no trees only flowers and tall grass were there was another sign that read DEERS AHEAD.
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Old 07-25-2011, 04:58 PM   #3 
riese98
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Old 07-25-2011, 04:59 PM   #4 
riese98
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Chapter 1
It was finally the day that Jayden has been waiting for weeks, him and his family planed a camping trip to Missouri. Jayden and his dad started packing the truck and camper with food, cloths, fire wood and cooking material. They finally got everything packed and ready to go, so they went inside their house and ate some breakfast. They were ready to start their vacation, at that time Jayden didn’t know that it would be the worst vacation of his life. They left Lincoln Nebraska at around nine o’ clock, and traveled down to Kansas, then they drove through Kansas City. They saw Arrowhead Stadium and passed by Oak Tower and then stopped to eat some at a restaurant named the Stoplight then they got back on the road and drove out of Kansas city. After that they didn’t see much, cornfields here and there and maybe a small town or two. Finally they turned into dusty road that went back forty five minutes into the forest. When they finally got to the ranger station, Jayden’s dad checked in and paid and Jayden and his mom talked about how beautiful the forest was. Jayden’s dad got back into the truck and drove to the campsite. Jayden looked around, there was no other camper here, it was like that movie that him and his friend Luke watched together one night, that everyone on earth disappeared. Jayden could tell that his mom was wondering the same thing that he was, so he asked his dad where all the people were. He said, that the rangers told him, that they were having a slow week. Then his dad parked the truck at the campsite and they all hoped out, Jayden and his dad unpacked some wood and started the fire, Jayden’s mom put up some cloths lines and a hammock. Before it was time to start cooking Jayden explored around the campsite, he saw a couple of hiking trails that lead into the forest. He took some pictures of some flowers and on his way back to the campsite he saw a small lake, he took a quick picture of the lake and then kept walking. That night, while eating his dinner, he showed his mom and dad the pictures of the lake and the flowers, but then the wind picked up. So, Jayden and his family took every thing inside the camper where it wouldn’t get wet or blow away. “Weather gets pretty wild here in Missouri,” said Jayden’s dad. Sitting inside the camper Jayden’s family planned what they would do tomorrow while playing some cards, then they all went to bed. The next morning was sunny and cloudless, Jayden woke up early to make a surprise breakfast for his mom and dad. As Jayden cooked the eggs, pancakes and bacon he took some pictures of some birds he even got a picture of a bald eagle gliding high up in the sky. After they were all done eating the breakfast Jayden prepared, they all went down to the lake that he discovered. Jayden’s mom set up a camp chair and pulled out her favorite book and started reading it. Jayden’s dad set up the fishing poles while Jayden dug for worms. After thirty minutes, Jayden found thirty three worms and his dad had the poles ready to be used. Then Jayden and his dad walked out onto the dock that the rangers had built for fishing, Jayden’s dad dropped his pole into the muddy water first, after about five minutes Jayden’s dad reeled in the first catch of the day, a huge trout! Jayden snapped a couple of pictures and then they threw it back into the water. Lunch time came around and Jayden’s mom went back to the camper to prepare some food for the family. While she was gone preparing food, Jayden reeled in a small catfish, his dad clapped and took some pictures, and then Jayden dropped the fish back into the water. His mom came back with the food that she prepared, they all sat down and ate their lunch on the dock. When they were done eating, they fished for one more hour and watched the sun glitter on the lake. Then they picked every thing up and went back to the camper, and they went for a hike. They choose a trail named Big Bear, it was covered with small yellow and blue flowers, Jayden’s mom stopped every now and then to pick flowers and put them in her hair. Every time his mom stopped, Jayden and his dad would stop to take a picture and get a drink of water. Suddenly, the trail was on the edge of a cliff, Jayden peeked over the cliff. It wasn’t a big cliff, it probably went down twenty five feet, but his mom still didn’t want Jayden to even get close to the cliff. His dad wasn’t very worried about it, he would throw rocks down the cliff and watch them bounce down the side, and take other rocks with them. The trail took a turn, it went back into the forest away from the cliff. They saw a sign that read, GET YOUR CAMREAS READY, “I wonder why it said to get our cameras ready,” said Jayden’s mom. “Maybe the trail got the name Big Bear because there’s a lot of bears on it,” said Jayden. His parents nodded in agreement, “Maybe we need to be more quiet so we don’t scare anything,” said Jayden’s dad. Jayden and his mom nodded in agreement. They walked slowly and carefully, they all looked around trying to see what the sign said. “Well maybe it’s just to make us keep walking,” whispered Jayden. Then the trail went down a small hill, that went down to a open area with no trees, only flowers and tall grass. There was another sign that read, ‘DEER AHEAD.’ They all looked around trying to see a deer, then they heard a noise coming from the grass. Jayden’s dad put his finger over his mouth to indicate to be quiet, then Jayden put his finger on his camera, ready to take a quick picture. Then his dad put his hand up into the air telling them to stop walking, Jayden tried to see through all of the grass, but it was in possible, but then the noise faded. Then about thirty feet up the trail a deer came out of the tall grass, looking right at them with a piece of grass in his mouth. Jayden zoomed in with his camera to get a close up picture of the deer, he took a couple of quick pictures of the deer, then it walked back into the grass. Jayden and his family kept walking, still looking for another deer. They walked out of the tall grass and up a small hill where there was dense forest, Jayden got a picture of his parents under a willow tree, then Jayden’s dad took a picture of him under the willow tree. They walked a little bit more then they saw these huge boulders, “Wow those are huge boulders,” said Jayden’s mom. “Wow, look at that one it looks like a head,” said Jayden. “You see, eyes, nose, mouth and ears,” said Jayden as he walked closer to the rock. “Cool, get closer to it I want a picture of you standing next to it,” said Jayden’s mom. Jayden walked up to the rock leaned up against it and then looked toward the camera whiling making the same face as the boulder. His mom and dad both laughed while his mom took the picture, then they kept walking. “Wow, you see that tree you guys,” said his dad, “Yes,” said Jayden and his mom. “That’s a Honey locust tree,” said Jayden’s dad, Jayden pulled out his camera and took a picture of the tree and then they kept walking. They walked for about ten more minutes and then there was a sign that read, WE HOPE THAT YOU LIKED, BIG BEAR TRAIL. “Wow that was one of the best hiking trails I’ve been on,” said Jayden’s dad as they walked back to the camper.
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Old 07-26-2011, 12:32 PM   #5 
riese98
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ok guys i would like some input on the book. and if you like it so far say thumbs up.
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Old 07-27-2011, 12:16 PM   #6 
Betta Slave
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Location: Canada, eh?
It's good so far, but lots of spelling/grammar errors. For example, in your first chapter-

"It was finally the day, that Jayden has been waiting for weeks, him and his family planed a camping trip to Kansas."

Major run-on sentence here. It should look like-

"It was finally the day that Jayden had been waiting for for weeks. He and his family had planned a camping trip to Kansas."

"Jayden and his dad started packing the truck and camper with food, clothes, firewood and cooking material."

"They finally got everything packed and ready to go so they went inside their house and ate some lunch and then started their vacation. (Bit of a long sentence here, too- your choice to make it shorter, though.) At that time Jayden didn’t know that it would be the worst vacation of his life."

"They left Lincoln, Nebraska at around nine o' clock and traveled down to Kansas. They drove through Kansas City and saw Arrowhead Stadium and passed by Oak Tower. After that they didn’t see much (I suppose you could add in a dash or semi-colon after "much"- up to you, really) cornfields here and there and maybe a small town or two, and then they finally turned into dusty road that went back forty five minutes into the forest."

Do you get what I'm saying? Many of your sentences have spelling or grammar errors, or a mix of both. Make sure you thoroughly check over your paragraphs after you're done writing them. Also, it starts out a little bit rushed. So they've gotten packed, they've eaten lunch, and now they're in the forest already? Describe some of the places and things they've seen, maybe adding what Jayden thinks about them or maybe how he feels about his vacation. I understand how easy it is to rush into a story (I write a lot as well) but resist the urge! Add some detail in there! Also, when they're in conversation, be sure to start a new line each time someone says something. For example...

“Wow, those are huge boulders,” said Jayden’s mom.
“Wow, (try not to use "wow" again here- it sounds a bit repetitive) look at that one, it looks like a head. You see, eyes, nose, mouth and ears,” said Jayden as he walked closer to the rock (you could add in an action here, like "...pointing out the features of the boulder").
“Cool. Get closer to it. I want a picture of you standing next to it,” said Jayden’s mom.

Don't use "said" so much, either! Use other words, like "declared", "announced" "remarked", or any other words appropriate to what your character is saying. For example-

"...look at that one, it looks like a head," remarked Jayden, pointing out the specific features of the boulder. "You see, eyes, mouth, nose and ears."

And you don't always have to use words like "said", either-

Justin pointed out the face-like features of the boulder to his mother. "...Look at that one, it looks like a head. You see, eyes, mouth, nose and ears."

Not a good example, but you get what I'm saying?

So overall, it's good! Check everything over for errors, re-write some dialogue, add some details, and voila! You'll be all done. :) Continue!

Edit- Oh, and also, make sure to put quotation marks around what the signs say! :P

Last edited by Betta Slave; 07-27-2011 at 12:25 PM.
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Old 07-27-2011, 01:47 PM   #7 
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Also keep in mind that everytime someone speaks, it should be in a new paragraph.
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Old 07-27-2011, 01:52 PM   #8 
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Location: Canada, eh?
Thank you, I forgot about that. :)

But yeah. Keep going for sure! :)
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Old 07-28-2011, 05:12 PM   #9 
riese98
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thanks guys, this is what i need. this is also my first for real book i'm writing, and i'm also still learning to. so thanks again, and don't forget whenever you have advice about my book. please share it.

and if anyone else has any books that they would like to post, please do.

Last edited by dramaqueen; 07-29-2011 at 01:32 PM. Reason: Multiple posting.
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