The Autobiography of a Betta Fish: The Next Generation
This is the second book. To read the first book, go here...http://www.bettafish.com/showthread.php?t=75133
NOTE: In this story a narrator AND the fish will be talking. Thank you, and enjoy the story!
Chapter 1.
"Good bye, Emily!" called her mother. Emily was going to college. It was tough losing Alex and Felicity and their fry she kept. But she just hoped, they didn't die painfully.
"Okay, bye mom, love you," she was crying a little and kissing her mom. Then Emily took her bags and went into her dorm.
"Hi! My name is Melody, I'm your roommate...as you see." Melody said cheerfully.
"Hello, Melody. My name is Emil--WOW! Is that your fish?!" she asked. In a 5 gallon tank there was a blue, red, purple, green, orange and yellow Butterfly Betta. He had an elegant border around his fins and he had a marble head.
"Yep, that's Leo. He's a beauty...ain't he? Got him at PetSmart in the back of the Bettas in a box....Can you believe that? I saw them all, all 20 of them and I-,"
"All...20 of them?" Emily asked, astonished.
"Yea, but they weren't all brothers and sisters. Their still back there, I think. You could get one! We'd be Betta Buddies! Ha ha." Melody laughed. But Emily just silently unpacked and went to sleep...unaware of what she would to tomorrow.
Last edited by TheBlueBettaFish; 07-27-2011 at 11:48 AM.
"But she just hoped, they didn't die painfully." -NO comma between "hoped" and "they"- it's a run-on sentence.
"Okay, bye mom, love you," she cried a little and kissed her mom (you could say "kissed her mom goodbye").
"Hi! My name is Melody, I'm your roommate, as you see." Melody said cheerfully. (You could say "Melody greeted her cheerfully"). And no need for the ellipsis between "roomate" and "as".
That's all I could find, really. It's a great story! Go on to Chapter Two. If you want more of an in-depth review, definitely tell me! I can help.
Emily woke up to a crisp, September day. It was still warm outside, so Emily put on a blue t-shirt with a Betta in a cup and it says "Bettas deserve betta!" in bright red print. She ate breakfast, grabbed her books and went to her classes.
She got done at 4pm and came back to her dorm to find Melody observing Leo.
"Why do you always get here before I do?" Emily asked.
"I was an all-star on my high school track team?" she asked and laughed. They both watched Leo for a long time.
"Hey, Melody, I was wondering if you could take me to the PetSmart where you bought Leo...I think I may want one of those Bettas." she said.
"Okay, its a 45 minute drive, but I guess we could go. Grab a wad of cash, if your going to get a Betta you need to buy all the supplies, ya know. Oh, and could you take that shirt off? They may kick us out." Melody said. Emily quickly changed in to a shirt with a picture of a rat in a small space with no food or water and said "I support Rat's Rights!"
"Ugh..." Melody said.
__________________________________________________ ________
I was alone, unfeed in this small space. Someone adopted a Betta from our box, but I was on the bottom. No one could see me, and I couldn't get to my air holes because we were stacked. Then two girls (about 19 or 20, that's what they sounded like because I couldn't see them) opened the box! One had a familiar voice. The other, I couldn't detect.
"Pick me! Pick MEEEE!" I yelled. Of course, they didn't hear me. And the girl with the unfamiliar voice picked another Betta. I knew it, all hope was lost.
I'm loving the detail in this chapter. You've improved quite a bit from the first.
"...so Emily put on a blue t-shirt with a Betta in a cup and it said "Bettas deserve betta!" in bright red print." -"Said" instead of "says" because you're always talking in past-tense in this story, and "says" disturbs the flow, and it's in present-tense as well.
"She got done at four P.M..." - when writing, never use numbers (1, 2, 3, etc.), and instead of "got done", "finished her classes" sounds better. Keep this in mind in "...it's a 45 minute drive" as well.
"I was an all-star on my high school track team?" she asked and laughed. -She's not really asking this... she's more replying to the question. To signify that she isn't sure, you could say that she shrugged, since shrugging is usually associated with uncertainty. :P
"Hey, Melody, I was wondering if you could take me to the PetSmart where you bought Leo...I think I may want one of those Bettas." she said. -Who's saying this? Emily? Make sure to put their names down insstead of "she", because it gets confusing. And it's time to start describing the two girls as well. This helps with the "she" issue as well, because if Emily is brown-haired, you could say "...I think I may want one of those bettas," the brown-haired girl said.
"...if your going..." -It's "you're" (you are), not "your".
"Oh, and could you take that shirt off? They may kick us out." Melody said. Emily quickly changed in to a shirt with a picture of a rat in a small space with no food or water and said "I support Rat's Rights!" -I'd seperate this- "...Melody said." NEW PARAGRAPH. "Emily quickly changed..." To be honest I'm not sure if it's needed, but I'd do it. You could also say, "In response, Emily quickly changed..."
"Unfeed" is "unfed" :P
"Air-holes"
"I knew it, all hope was lost." I'd put a semi-colon between these two- "I knew it; all hope was lost."
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The Autobiography of a Betta Fish: The Next Generation
