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Old 08-05-2011, 01:44 PM   #1 
Jirothebetta
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SO...I started a betta story :3

There seems to be a lot of really cute betta stories on here...so I decided, why not write my own, practice makes perfect XD

Warm water surged around me, knocking me playfully side to side, I laughed my first laugh as something brushed against me..."are you there little one" a gentle voice asked, I struggled and squirmed and turned the best I could to see the giant eye near my head. "Yes" I screamed out, "I'm here! I'm alive!" in my excitement I must have broke lose of the bubble that held me because suddenly I fell into empty water.
I sank deeper and deeper and deeper, the pressure of the water building, the light of above shrinking, the water got colder and colder as I sunk, fear griped my throat, panic filled me as I tried to use my untried fins. I think I must have screamed in my terror for I heard the sound erupt from with in me. I felt a gush of warm water from above and suddenly I was grabbed up, thrust into a place that was dark but safe "Good," said the gentle voice, vibrating all around me "You took longer than the others...I was worried"
I was spit back up into the soft light and the warmth of safe water, I scrabbled for my hold on a new bubble.
I almost missed it, and had to fight with all my strenght to latch on. "safe," I whispered to my self over and over again as the cold of fear emptied me, I felt tired, exhausted, "but I'm safe," I yelled, shaking that last tinge of panic from my fins, and forgot the nightmare all together.
It was the first of many trips, down into the dark and the cool, but each time I was caught and brought back up into the warm and light, by the gentle voice that watched and waited on us with measuring eyes, they were often on me, caring and loving but critical, I knew I could never show weakness, I could never let him see me give up...it was instinct and I followed it...

So...a little...dramatic perhaps? I'm not sure, this was just a spur of the moment thing, if you have any "gentle" criticism please don't shy about it, I'm trying to develope my style into something other people can enjoy...
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Old 08-05-2011, 01:50 PM   #2 
LittleBettas
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Love it!!!!!
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Old 08-05-2011, 02:05 PM   #3 
Jirothebetta
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Thanks XD...do you think maybe I should write more? I mean, is this something that's enjoyable to read? Is my style too dramatic or just dramatic enough...I guess what I'm trying to ask is, does it inspire emotion or is it just another story...
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Old 08-07-2011, 08:45 AM   #4 
IvoryEleven
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I really love it! I think all writers should write stories like this! I erally want to read more!
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Old 08-07-2011, 08:59 AM   #5 
CrowntailTwitchy57
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i kind of dont get it... sry whats the bubble again?
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Old 08-07-2011, 04:20 PM   #6 
Jirothebetta
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XD Sorry crowtail twitchy, I didn't realize how vague my story was till I came back to read it again. Its supposed to be about a baby betta's first day of life. A baby betta begin's life in a bubble nest, just barely holding on to their own little bubble, every now and then that bubble pops and they drop down and down, sometimes even to the bottom of the tank before the father fish catches it in his mouth and spits it up back into the nest.

I was trying really hard to capture how a little fish probably see's the world while still making it a personable and relatable character. You see I was trying to only add the details that a little fish would be conscious of, warm and cold, safety and danger, and the father fish, that's what a little fishes world is and I was trying to put you in it...

I will definitely be adding more to it, and I plan on opening up the little fishes view of life(and hopefully making it much easier to understand) as it grows into full grown fish...

...Oh yeah, remember, this is just practice for me, I'm trying to learn how to write for other people instead of just for my self...I think sometimes I forget that other people aren't necessarily gonna have the same picture of whats going on in their heads that I do...sorry
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Old 08-09-2011, 05:23 PM   #7 
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drama made it sound the best i loved that story even thoigh this is the first story i read but it was really good, i understood it. =]] keep going XP
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Old 08-09-2011, 06:18 PM   #8 
Dozzem
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WRITE WRITE WRITE AND WRITE MORE!!! :D

More you write, the more you do! I like how it is, I was a little lost but I think that was part of the fun! You could of described what the "voice" was its dady!

cute I like it!
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Old 08-09-2011, 06:57 PM   #9 
copperarabian
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wow... I loved this :D you could totally make an epic story.
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Old 08-09-2011, 08:37 PM   #10 
Jirothebetta
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Thanks for the encouragement guys! XD The first chapter is always the toughest, I'm glad it wasn't a complete carwreck XD

I will probably write more tonight after dinner...I haven't decided what should happen next yet XD
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