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Old 08-10-2011, 09:26 PM   #21 
Jirothebetta
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I felt entirely lost, as I breathed in the sweet clear water, I knew I was not where I was supposed to be. It lacked the familiar smell and feel of my old home. It was entirely vacant of other fish and plants or even rocks, and it was entirely too bright. I could barely see through the glare all around me. I tried to find someway to hide but in every direction I swam a wall of light blocked my path.
I was afraid, I had no where to go, and I was exhausted....weak I let my self flutter to the floor of this strange new place, I no longer had the will to move and all I wanted was to fall...asleep...

I must have dreamed, for all the sudden I felt the terror I had experienced in the creatures mouth return. I was back in the open air, where everything was bright and barren, empty of water and cold as ice. I couldn't move my fins, I opened my mouth but I couldn't speak. All the sudden I could feel the presence of a giant eye, scrutinizing, watching me gasp for breath beneath its glare. For a moment I thought it was my father's eye that watched me, and I remembered his gentle prescence, how he had cared for me when I was small and frightened.
I tried to beg him to save me but he wouldn't. He stared down at me as though ashamed that a son of his would beg for his life. "You took longer than the others " he said," I had a good reason to worry"
I woke with a start, my heart pounding in my chest, my entire body sore. I was back in the strange tank, able to move and breath again. The dream left me but for some reason I could not shake the feeling that I was being watched. I swirled around and came face to face with a giant ugly face. For a second I thought I was again looking at my father, but as I looked I knew that was not my fathers eyes, his had never exuded such anger, such ferocity. These eye's had murder in them and stared me down in spiteful fury. I could feel the anger coming off of him in waves and I shrunk from it the best I could.


"You should have known to seperate them earlier, you said so yourself they were starting to flare" a loud voice boomed from somewhere. "I was going to do that today, I was getting around to it, I just never expected them to start trying to kill each other all the sudden! I mean look what he did to maximus, my poor beautiful boy, he was so gorgeous, now look at him, he's been ripped to pieces!" the face that stared at me seethed as it spoke. "well you can't blame the fish, he was just doing what nature designed him to do, you knew better than to leave them in there that long," "Yeah, well, I just don't know why it had to be Maximus, of all the fish that could have been tore up it had to be the only halfmoon in the bunch,"

I will continue this later...
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Old 08-10-2011, 10:00 PM   #22 
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It's coming along really well so far! :3 I'm waiting for more.

If you want to improve a bit, there are a few run-on sentences to fix up, and there are a few other minor things that can be disregarded. I won't force it on you. lol
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Old 08-10-2011, 10:03 PM   #23 
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Thanks XD and by all means, I am completely open to any and all advice you have. If you see anything that needs fixing please feel free to tell me. The only reason I'm posting on this site is so I can improve my writing ability. I can't do that without a little nudge in the right direction every now and then ...

For example the run on sentences are something that I need to fix. I do tend to ramble a bit when I get excited :3

Last edited by Jirothebetta; 08-10-2011 at 10:08 PM.
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Old 08-10-2011, 10:14 PM   #24 
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If you want constructive criticism, I'm happy to help! :) I write myself, and it's great that you're looking to improve your writing ability.

For example, here's an example of what I'm talkin' about. :P

"weak I let my self flutter to the floor of this strange new place, I no longer had the will to move and all I wanted was to fall...asleep..."

Now, here's a corrected version.

"Weak, I let myself (no space between "my" and "self") flutter to the floor of this strange new place. I no longer had the will to move and all I wanted was to fall...asleep..."

Pretty darn minor things, yeah? Really easy to correct. :) Just be sure to use punctuation, and use spellcheck if you type it up in Microsoft Word or some other similar program. With the run-on sentences, there are a few other in this chapter, but I'll let you find them. ;)

And with the dialect-

"You took longer than the others " he said," I had a good reason to worry"

"You took longer than the others," he said. "I had a good reason to worry."

Again with the punctuation :P And every time someone says something, make sure to start a new paragraph, like so.

"You should have known to seperate them earlier, you said so yourself they were starting to flare, (or you can use !)" a loud voice boomed from somewhere.

"I was going to do that today. I was getting around to it, and/. I just never expected them to start trying to kill each other all the sudden! I mean look what he did to maximus, my poor beautiful boy, (.) he was so gorgeous, (.) now look at him, he's been ripped to pieces!"

In case you didn't get that, I put periods in brackets where they could have fit in.

So yeah, overall, teeny little things :) Keep it up! I'll be looking forward to the next part.
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Old 08-10-2011, 10:24 PM   #25 
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XD This was exactly the kind of advice I was talking about. I probably never would have noticed those errors my self. Its so easy to over look the small stuff when self-proofing I will try to watch my punctuation more in the next chapter. THANKS SO MUCH! XD
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Old 08-10-2011, 10:25 PM   #26 
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Hey, no problem! :3 If you need any more help give me a PM. I love to proof-read things XD

Last edited by Betta Slave; 08-10-2011 at 10:26 PM. Reason: spelling error
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Old 08-10-2011, 11:40 PM   #27 
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XD It really is nice to have a fellow writer give me some honest constructive criticism. I'm not content to be just your average mediocre writer. I really want to get better and I never will if I don't have someone willing to take the time to point out the areas that need improvement. Most of the people around me aren't big readers so its hard to get honest thought out critique sometimes...
...I might PM you a paragraph or two if I ever really get stuck on something. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it


Oh, and don't worry, I will be adding more to the story shortly
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Old 08-10-2011, 11:58 PM   #28 
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ahhh this is a great story!!!! Keep it up :D
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Old 08-11-2011, 09:14 AM   #29 
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With a final huff of anger the giant stomped away, the vibrations from his steps filling the water around me. I no longer felt the pressure of his savage gaze. The fog of panic lifted from me. For once in that whole crazy day I was allowed to think clearly. Cautiously, I looked over what was my new home. It was as small and empty as I first perceived but I was no longer completely overwhelmed by the glare of light. I could actually see through it, beyond the confines of the tank walls.
To be honest, I couldn't really tell what I was looking at. Everything was big, misshapen and strange to my eyes. Nothing out there made much sense to me but then nothing made sense anymore. I swam the full perimeter of the walls, trying to gather my thoughts. I was not given long to think.
Without warning a new face appeared before me. Just as giant and ugly as the first. There was a difference in this face though. It was calmer and did not seem nearly so murderous as the last one had been. It looked at me curiously. Almost kindly. I swam toward it on impulse and the creature smiled. It was a horrible terrifying smile, filled with teeth that could tear me apart in seconds. I backed into the corner, unsure of what this monster might have planned.
The creature reached a long gangly fin over my tank and dropped something. In instinct I shot to the surface and snatched what fell in. It was my mouth before I could even think to be cautious. What ever it was it tasted strangely crunchy and salty in my mouth. I swallowed it quickly and searched for any crumb I might have missed. The creature made another movement over me and another treat dropped in. I grabbed it even more greedily than before, swallowing before I even had a chance to taste it. This time I waited expectantly for the monster drop another in. To my disappointment I was left waiting.
My confusion must have been obvious because creature smiled again. Its terrible white teeth glaring at me in what I hoped was a friendly attitude. I shivered to think what this thing could do to me should it ever get any ideas. I wiggled my body in an instinctive warning and the creature giggled. It was a strange, loud, misshapen giggle but it was without doubt a giggle. The creature moved again and I swam to the surface in anticipation. Not one, but two of the crunchy little snacks fell into my mouth. I didn't bother to disguise my pleasure, crunching down the salty sweetness of this new found delicacy.
The monster left after that last treat. Leaving me feeling strangely satisfied. For a moment I had forgotten all the terror of that day. For a moment things had seemed right. I still felt confused and a little lost, but somehow, I didn't feel quite so alone....
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Old 08-11-2011, 01:03 PM   #30 
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:D

This chapter's awesome! Like it's almost perfect :3 Just beware of sentences like this-

"Without warning a new face appeared before me. Just as giant and ugly as the first."

It being split into two sentences is unnecessary- you can join them with a comma. :P

But it's great! :D Keep going! I love your descriptions.
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