Relationships are hard! - Betta Fish and Betta Fish Care
 
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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 10-12-2015, 11:54 AM Thread Starter
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Relationships are hard!

Man, this is apropos of nothing, but I find relationships really hard.

I love my other half, but I've never been great at the whole long term relationship thing. I feel like I've learned a lot over the years, and am doing my best to be a committed girlfriend, to keep the communication lines strong, to do all the things you're supposed to do to make things work year after year...

But then stuff comes along like this adorable guy at uni, who I've been having coffee with between lectures once a week, when we both have a gap in our schedule. I consider him a friend but I know he's been sending me those subtle 'interest' signals that you kind of learn to pick up on. And it's just so *tempting*, argh. If I was single, he'd be exactly my type, I guess that's why we have become friendly.

And sometimes I just miss that early stage, when attraction and passion aren't an issue, and it's all so simple, and I just wish I could be single again, so I could do that over and over, without any of the accumulated years of stuff that makes longer relationships such hard work.

I love my other half, and I'm not the type to cheat, but I just wish it was easier. I feel like I'm not biologically made to wedge myself into monogamy sometimes!

In my head lately, my motto has become 'I love Sam, remember when I promised myself I would do my best to make this work because this guy was the one I had a real shot with? Don't give up so easily!'

Does anybody else feel like this? Is it normal to wonder if being in a committed relationship and all the hard work that entails is really worth it?

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― George W. Bush


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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 10-12-2015, 12:51 PM
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I felt that way for a long time when I was with my x-husband. But for me I was at the point where leaving was all I wanted.

Do you feel like you are at that point, or do you think talking to Sam about how you feel would help?

We don't really know one another (you and I) that well aside from private messaging on the forum, but if we were best friends I would ask you to think about not having coffee with this other gentlemen, and talking to Sam. Either way, even if you don't talk to Sam you should talk with someone. Someone who will not tell you only what you want to hear, but will tell you honestly what they think you should do.


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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 10-12-2015, 01:47 PM Thread Starter
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No, definitely not at the point of leaving. I'm thinking of booking us some relationship counselling so we can try to work through some of the issues we have with the input of a professional. I've talked to him about that already. It's nothing insurmountable, I don't think, just some communication issues that we're both aware of but neither of us seem equipped to deal with, and it kind of blew up a bit at the weekend and I feel like we should capitalise on the situation rather than let it lie until the next time.

I do love him, very much. And we have it good enough that I want to work at it.

I don't think I'm *that* tempted that I will do anything. Besides, this guy is quite a lot younger than me. I think maybe I'm just enjoying the attention? We don't see each other in a capacity where things could escalate, and I definitely would avoid such situations. Objectively, I know how to handle it and what is acceptable and what isn't. I also think in time the temptation will subside and I'll stop thinking like this, and just see him as a friend, and be able to deal with things as a grown up. I'm not actively encouraging him, but maybe I'm accidentally giving off signals given that he's the sort of guy I'd be interested in if I wasn't in a relationship. Passing attractions are impossible to avoid sometimes, and I wouldn't say I'm in the position of emotionally investing in him more than I am with Sam... Sam is my number one.

But I know to keep an emotional distance. I know not to let things get beyond a mere friendship. We're not going out of our way to have coffee together, in fact lately I've been sort of making excuses to go to the library instead aware that I shouldn't give the appearance of actively seeking him out, but then I really don't have anything to do and he'll see me in the library and come to sit and work next to me and we'll chat about medieval history and stuff and generally have a laugh, which is nice.

I might just be reading too much into it anyway, flattering myself, so to speak! He probably just sees me as a mate and would be horrified to know how I've been thinking, lol.

I try to put myself in a situation where if Sam met a girl he got on with, who he could converse about things he couldn't with me (i.e. he has no interest in any of the academic stuff I do, and sometimes I really crave that sort of conversation, like last week me and this guy had a great discussion about the causes of the Crimean war and it's just so nice to have those kind of conversations, at least for a geek like me), how would I feel? What would be acceptable to me? How jealous would I be? I don't know. I think, with plenty of reassurance, I could accept him having those kind of friendships.

Then again, maybe I'm just being selfish reasoning it out like that. Which is perhaps one of the issues... I can be an extraordinarily selfish person!

“I know the human being and fish can co-exist peacefully.”
― George W. Bush


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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 10-12-2015, 02:46 PM
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Hi Danni. I tend to agree with Mousie...that it would be good to talk with someone you trust for their honest opinion.

My 2 cents worth...I've been married for 14 years and have 2 kids. There are times when we get into the routine so much that it feels like the romantic stuff takes a back seat- esp. with 2 younger kids! But, my husband is my best friend and I can go to him about anything. I know he has my back. We've been through a lot. All the romance in the world can't take the place of genuine love, affection and friendship. Esp. as you get older. So, if Sam is your best friend and you trust, love and like him- fight for that!

The other stuff, like flirtation and attraction, is fleeting. Build on a rock- you'll be happier in the long run. And, sometimes the romance and fun just need some work. My husband and I make it a point to go out without our kids. It helps us get out a rut and reminds us why we fell in love.

Hang in there! Keep us posted. :)
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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 10-12-2015, 02:50 PM
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Originally Posted by Betta44 View Post
Hi Danni. I tend to agree with Mousie...that it would be good to talk with someone you trust for their honest opinion.

My 2 cents worth...I've been married for 14 years and have 2 kids. There are times when we get into the routine so much that it feels like the romantic stuff takes a back seat- esp. with 2 younger kids! But, my husband is my best friend and I can go to him about anything. I know he has my back. We've been through a lot. All the romance in the world can't take the place of genuine love, affection and friendship. Esp. as you get older. So, if Sam is your best friend and you trust, love and like him- fight for that!

The other stuff, like flirtation and attraction, is fleeting. Build on a rock- you'll be happier in the long run. And, sometimes the romance and fun just need some work. My husband and I make it a point to go out without our kids. It helps us get out a rut and reminds us why we fell in love.

Hang in there! Keep us posted. :)
well said :D
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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 10-12-2015, 03:36 PM Thread Starter
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Thank you!

It's hard because I've always been the sort to cut my losses when it gets difficult (that would be part of the selfishness, lol), and this is the first time I don't want to do that, that I think my life is way better with him in it than out of it even with the difficulties, so I most certainly will fight for it :)

“I know the human being and fish can co-exist peacefully.”
― George W. Bush


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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 10-12-2015, 03:43 PM
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Originally Posted by Betta44 View Post
Hi Danni. I tend to agree with Mousie...that it would be good to talk with someone you trust for their honest opinion.

My 2 cents worth...I've been married for 14 years and have 2 kids. There are times when we get into the routine so much that it feels like the romantic stuff takes a back seat- esp. with 2 younger kids! But, my husband is my best friend and I can go to him about anything. I know he has my back. We've been through a lot. All the romance in the world can't take the place of genuine love, affection and friendship. Esp. as you get older. So, if Sam is your best friend and you trust, love and like him- fight for that!

The other stuff, like flirtation and attraction, is fleeting. Build on a rock- you'll be happier in the long run. And, sometimes the romance and fun just need some work. My husband and I make it a point to go out without our kids. It helps us get out a rut and reminds us why we fell in love.

Hang in there! Keep us posted. :)

+1... an echo, well said!


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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 10-12-2015, 04:14 PM
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Thanks InStitches and Mousie.

I think most people are selfish...I know I am. That is one of the great things about relationships...it forces us to be less selfish. I think we grow that way as people- it can be painful, but in the long run, I think we are better off for it.
I'm glad you are going to try and make it work with Sam. It sounds like you, overall, you have a great thing going. Relationships ebb and flow...the trick is to stick with it long enough to make it thru the ebbs. As long as they aren't the norm. I understand what Mousie said earlier...if all you think about all the time is getting out, then it's time to rethink the matter (again, in my opinion).
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 10-20-2015, 01:16 AM
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take it form someone who went up to the point of asking the girl to marry him it is hard work to keep a relationship strong I go dumped by that girl but I learned a lot with that girl I now have a new girlfriend that I love and have asked to be with me for the rest of our lives just know that it will be hard at times but if its meant to be it will work out

Last edited by bandit1994; 10-20-2015 at 01:29 AM.
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