Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Mahopac, New York
You know.. I've learned to hate something good happening to me. Every time something good happens in my life, for example me getting a job, making some progress towards my goal of getting out of this house and finding a roommate, something happens that sets me ten steps back.. Whether it be emotionally, or something else that stops me in my tracks.
I've sat here wondering what I did to deserve to not be happy. I've done a lot wrong in my life, I'll admit. I've made stupid mistakes, I've done messed up things, but I don't feel that I deserve to be miserable. Am I just not allowed any happiness? Everything good in my life comes with a price.. Everything. For once, can't I just have something that doesn't cost me my happiness or my sanity?
I guess I shouldn't complain too much. My pets are fed, I get to eat, and I have a roof over my head. But I don't think I've ever been so depressed. I'm alone, the only person I care about is a selfish a-hole, he doesn't even care how what he's doing is effecting me, and basically tells me if I don't like it, there's the door.. And I don't want to walk out of that door. I care too much to walk out, but is me being miserable really worth staying?
Something needs to give. The little joys in my life aren't enough to keep me going anymore. My dogs help.. It seems like they know something is wrong because they're being extra clingy lately. The Bettas, they're calming, to an extent. My family? Useless. They don't know what's going on, nor do they care. Music just makes me more upset. Games offer a temporary escape, but soon as it's time to put everything down for the night, I'm back to square one. I can't focus on reading for long enough anymore. Nothing that used to help is working anymore.
I've struggled with depression and anxiety for a long time. I've gone through a lot of bull, and I always felt good that I got through them in one piece. Yet, it's so easy for simple things to mess everything up for me..
Check out my journal
- SIP to all of the Bettas I've lost