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40 Posts
Tanwyn is gone, and I feel so much worse without him. He helped me get through the loneliest parts of my spouse being deployed over seas, he helped me through the loss of connection with my old friends and even some of my in-laws. He was a connection I had with a close online friend who treated me like **** and abandoned me. I loved him, and took care of him even when I couldn't take care of myself. He traveled 1500 miles with my spouse and I to our new home. He loved my spouse too, and he was like our child. I loved this little fish with all my soul. I hope Tanwyn knows how much he meant to me, because he was everything to me. I learned so much taking care of him.
I'm the stay-at-home spouse. Partly because I love taking care of our home and my spouse, partly because I don't know what I want for life. I stay so bogged down in my depression and anxiety its really hard to think about that kind of thing. Partly it's because I was so exhausted from working through covid while my spouse was overseas: it was over two years of hellish loneliness. But I had Tanwyn. When I had no one else, when others took advantage of my friendship and kindness and vulnerability, then abandoned me without a second thought, I had that sweet fish with the perpetually grumpy expression. And that last remaining bit of comfort is gone. My last friend doesn't even talk to me anymore and Tanwyn is gone?
My husband is at work and it's so quiet. No hum of air pumps and filters, no silly boy giving me side-eye and wolfing down his food. The last thing I enjoyed doing, the last hobby I found comfort in, and it's over. And I can't imagine building the richly planted dream tank without Tanwyn to enjoy it. I miss him so dearly. His tank is just laying on its side because I was trying to set it up and I just became so overwhelmed. I'm tired, and I want my buddy back. 7pm is Tanwyn Time, when he would eat his dinner, and now it's nothing. I'm so tired of feeling so bad all the time. I want to keep fish, I love keeping fish, but I feel so disgusted even considering another fish. I want my fish. I want Tanwyn back.
I know he was so sick and miserable and suffering. I found a large chunk of his tail on the bottom of the hospital tank. He stopped eating, responding, and was barely breathing in his last days. HIs tail was ripped in half, with black rot along the rip and at the base of his tail. He couldn't swim well. He kept biting his tail because it was too big and heavy for him. I tried so many different cures and medicines and reached out to so many people and did so much reading. For two months. Previously we were battling worms and snails and hydras. Maybe the move was too much. Maybe something was wrong when I reset up his tank. Maybe it was bad LFS betta genetics. I don't know. I do know that he was suffering, and I talked to my spouse and my mom, who I can't live with but we can be friends and she gives great advice, and we agreed that it would be better to put Tanwyn to sleep. He went peacefully and quickly (clove oil method works scarily well). It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and it was hard for me and my husband. My hands were shaking so hard, and I've never seen my husband cry like that. I'm the emotional one; he stays pretty level headed. And this affected him really hard too.
It was the best call, for Tanwyn's sake. Now I don't know how to feel okay about it. I think my husband is okay; I've been checking in on him. I feel so hollow and gutted without Tanwyn. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to cope with this grief. My chest feels so heavy and I feel like there's something I'm supposed to be doing. This is how I felt about my grandfather when he passed away in October. He died of longstanding health issues and a brain bleed. My grandma, my mom, and I were in the hospital all night with my grandpa till he finally passed on. Hell, I still feel unsettled about that too. It's horrible watching someone die of sickness. It's not quick. It's slow, and usually loud. There's nothing peaceful about it till the very end, and then it's indescribably quiet. It's terrifying. It scares the mind. Death scares me. And this is after my sister's year long battle with cancer (she's cancer free now, I don't think she's "in remission" but she's no longer on chemo, and she's so healthy and bright). My younger sister, sick with cancer. And my mom is chronically ill, though I'm not getting into all that. I don't know where all this was going, I'm just feeling some big feelings I guess. Separation anxiety, loneliness, anxiety, depression, ED recovery, extreme stress, exhaustion, grief, and anger.
I just want my little guy back. My Tanwyn, my spouse's Wanton, his Big Guy.
I'm the stay-at-home spouse. Partly because I love taking care of our home and my spouse, partly because I don't know what I want for life. I stay so bogged down in my depression and anxiety its really hard to think about that kind of thing. Partly it's because I was so exhausted from working through covid while my spouse was overseas: it was over two years of hellish loneliness. But I had Tanwyn. When I had no one else, when others took advantage of my friendship and kindness and vulnerability, then abandoned me without a second thought, I had that sweet fish with the perpetually grumpy expression. And that last remaining bit of comfort is gone. My last friend doesn't even talk to me anymore and Tanwyn is gone?
My husband is at work and it's so quiet. No hum of air pumps and filters, no silly boy giving me side-eye and wolfing down his food. The last thing I enjoyed doing, the last hobby I found comfort in, and it's over. And I can't imagine building the richly planted dream tank without Tanwyn to enjoy it. I miss him so dearly. His tank is just laying on its side because I was trying to set it up and I just became so overwhelmed. I'm tired, and I want my buddy back. 7pm is Tanwyn Time, when he would eat his dinner, and now it's nothing. I'm so tired of feeling so bad all the time. I want to keep fish, I love keeping fish, but I feel so disgusted even considering another fish. I want my fish. I want Tanwyn back.
I know he was so sick and miserable and suffering. I found a large chunk of his tail on the bottom of the hospital tank. He stopped eating, responding, and was barely breathing in his last days. HIs tail was ripped in half, with black rot along the rip and at the base of his tail. He couldn't swim well. He kept biting his tail because it was too big and heavy for him. I tried so many different cures and medicines and reached out to so many people and did so much reading. For two months. Previously we were battling worms and snails and hydras. Maybe the move was too much. Maybe something was wrong when I reset up his tank. Maybe it was bad LFS betta genetics. I don't know. I do know that he was suffering, and I talked to my spouse and my mom, who I can't live with but we can be friends and she gives great advice, and we agreed that it would be better to put Tanwyn to sleep. He went peacefully and quickly (clove oil method works scarily well). It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and it was hard for me and my husband. My hands were shaking so hard, and I've never seen my husband cry like that. I'm the emotional one; he stays pretty level headed. And this affected him really hard too.
It was the best call, for Tanwyn's sake. Now I don't know how to feel okay about it. I think my husband is okay; I've been checking in on him. I feel so hollow and gutted without Tanwyn. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to cope with this grief. My chest feels so heavy and I feel like there's something I'm supposed to be doing. This is how I felt about my grandfather when he passed away in October. He died of longstanding health issues and a brain bleed. My grandma, my mom, and I were in the hospital all night with my grandpa till he finally passed on. Hell, I still feel unsettled about that too. It's horrible watching someone die of sickness. It's not quick. It's slow, and usually loud. There's nothing peaceful about it till the very end, and then it's indescribably quiet. It's terrifying. It scares the mind. Death scares me. And this is after my sister's year long battle with cancer (she's cancer free now, I don't think she's "in remission" but she's no longer on chemo, and she's so healthy and bright). My younger sister, sick with cancer. And my mom is chronically ill, though I'm not getting into all that. I don't know where all this was going, I'm just feeling some big feelings I guess. Separation anxiety, loneliness, anxiety, depression, ED recovery, extreme stress, exhaustion, grief, and anger.
I just want my little guy back. My Tanwyn, my spouse's Wanton, his Big Guy.
Even though I did not know you, I still feel sad for you, S.I.P We are so sorry for your loss.
